D vs. P

It's 4 am... Perhaps none of this will make sense, but i just finished my psych research analysis... so why not blog? haha. Tonight was really fun- we had a mock birthday party for Talli! I posted pics on my fbook- it was a blast and i seriously love my roommates/bff's...
After/at the end of the party, we watched I Am Sam. I cried. and cried. and cried all the way thru even til the ending credits. I loved it- i love when my soul is reached into. But it is bittersweet because ohhh how inadequate I feel to be going into the field i've chosen. (If you're confused- watch the movie ;) Psychology is such a deep, deep field. One that affects peoples lives, one that IS peoples lives. It is their quality of life, their mental state, their emotional well being and how it affects the physical, their life experiences, their hopes and dreams, what is most essential to them, who they live in relation to, their meaning for living and the things they fill their life with. So deep... And many times I feel inadequate to be in this field- affecting these many aspects and learning to better understand them. But I have such a passion for it, and knowing that it is my passion somehow makes it okay. Because I will handle it with care since it's so important to me- remembering that comforts me.
But I also have another side, another passion... and that's dance (D). It is my other 'alter-ego' if you will. It is my fun, flirty, fashionable, and most importantly- free, side. I can be serious and deep- that happens with my Psychology (P). But sometimes I just want to be crazy, spontaneous, unfocused, center of attention, life of the party, and i can be rather good at it because of my 'yellow' personality. It comes easy to me, but will it take me where i want to go in this life? I've been talking to a lot of people about this... about which side i should cater to. I feel that from this post it is obvious that my 'P' side should take the reigns... but my 'D' side often seems more me. I don't have to work for it, and it comes naturally to be honest. D likes to party. She likes to make friends and date hot black men. She doesn't really like to take risks, unless it is part of some friendly/spontaneous fun rampage. She doesn't take life too seriously and embraces her eccentricities. She works at the golf course in the summer making tips in her daisy dukes. Then there's P. P enjoys good times as well, but in a more mature fashion. She isn't necessarily boring (as if any aspect of me could be boring... even in my alter-ego's haha), but she impresses people with her emotional depth and deep desires. P gives inspiring talks in church and is very professional when needed. P is trying to learn how to take risks and venture into unmarked territory such as an interview for a job at the state prison as a Psychological Technician teaching inmates and administering iq/personality tests, conducting interviews and being involved with the psychoanalysis or group therapy sessions (wish me luck- the interview is on Wednesday!). But she is afraid of rejection and doesn't always believe in herself or in her potential. She is hesitant with men and likes to stick to the ones she's already close to. But she's learning. She motivates people and wants to attend grad school in a year.

It is interesting to live with these two alter-ego's, especially when they conflict. But i do feel like i am figuring it out. And honestly- i have many more than two (no this is not dissociative identity disorder haha) But it is often difficult to foster these two dominant sides. For instance: D likes to party at night and then talk to boys on the phone and not clean her messy room, but then P has to wake up early and take academic exams and write research papers or present at conferences. It's an interesting ride, and I'm sure i will get better at finding balance as time goes on. For now... i sleep and hope that when i read this in the morning at least some of it makes sense. ;)

xoxo miss jer bree

songs to my soul

Blackbird by The Beatles
Lazy Song by Bruno Mars
Rolling in the Deep by Adele
Only Girl (cover) by Hobbie Stuart
California Girls (cover) by Bruno Mars

xoxo miss jer bree
p.s. 5 months from today ;)

whats on MY mind?

I have a few things on my mind right now...

The first is country music. Ahhh i just love it. I can't get enough these days. I was even live on kbull the other day!! Sometimes the only thing that feels right is a perfect country song. It is just so fulfilling- especially when you've been listening to the empty lyrics of pop music singing about sex, violence and vodka. I go thru these phases with each genre of music... but right now country has my heart and my ears. :)
Here are my current faves:
Love like crazy- lee brice, Don't you wanna stay- jason aldean w/ kelly clarkson, Let me down easy- billy currington, Are you gonna kiss me or not- thompson square, Who are you when i'm not lookin- blake shelton, Turn on the radio- reba mcentire, Why wait- rascal flatts... and lots others :)
i like the ke$ha reference in the first line of Uncle Kracker's- Good to be me. hahaha

i'm also thinking about tune (see last blog). i just lover her and am so grateful that we have been best friends for so long and that nothing can break that bond because even being apart for a few years doesn't change the fact that we are totally on the same page. bff's for almost 9 years now!

i mean totally on the same page haha.

and the last thing i've been thinking about is cheaters. People that cheat on their significant other... i think it is so so so sad. heartbreaking. and what is even more sad is that a part of society just wants to brush it off and pretend like it's not a big deal... justify it. call me old school... but i think there is something to be said about couples that remain faithful. i have even noticed a relaxed attitude within myself on the matter- such as: well they aren't married yet so it's not As bad. But it's not about whether they're 30 years married or 1 month dating... cheating is an attitude, not just an act. i've been watching the show 'parenthood' on hulu, and it really got me thinking. i love that show because i think it does a great job of portraying the reality of those situations. my favorite part is at 39:40 on the episode Qualities and Difficulties. I love that. I love the value that is conveyed and the respect and the 'hip'ness of it as well. fidelity is shown here as a modern value that is unique yet valuable. I have had a few friends tell me about their devastating break ups due to their other half cheating on them. So, so sad that we live in a world where we get What we want When we want it How we want it. That is where adultery comes from- i believe. The mentality of getting what we want when we want, and not having to pay a price for it. A guest speaker in one of my Psych classes called us the "ME" generation. I was initially offended, but then realized how true it is. If it doesn't benefit ME if it isn't on MY timing or doesn't give ME satisfaction... i want no part of it. What happened to good ole altruism? The egoist seem to be taking the majority these days, breaking apart relationships and families or forfeiting jobs and close pals.

And that, my friends, is what's wrong in this world. according to ME ;)

xoxo miss jer bree

Girls Weekend

Last weekend was sooooo fantastic!! Friday evening, Tal and i picked up and headed to the great land of st. george for some much needed 'tuna time'! It was so fabulous to be with our preggers. Lotsa girl talk and shopping and girl talk and girl talk and more girl talk haha. I loved every second and seriously debated just never coming home. It was a weekend of reflection and fun and rejuvenation and kissing of the prego belly! I miss my best friend but am glad that she is living her life and setting such a wonderful example for me and our other besties!







xoxo miss jer bree

I have rods.

My name is Jerica Bree Garrick. I am a student. a daughter. a mormon. a worker. a sister. a dancer..... and I have rods in my back.

I have been living in denial, and it is time that I come out and embrace what I have been given rather than try to hide it in fear of judgment or criticism- from myself and others. I am extremely hesitant about telling people about my rods. Why? Because I, for one, don't want to believe that I have them. And i figure the less I talk about it the less i have to face it. I don't want to be a 'freak' that had scoliosis and now has titanium in her back. I don't want to be treated differently or to have people worry about if tickle fights and water skiing hurt my back. I don't want to face that I have a disability- even tho it leaves me more 'able' than anything. I don't want the awkward sympathy. I don't want to play the victim. I don't want to have a 'cop out'. It is my biggest embarrassment. I hate when people tell other people about my rods. I get sooo embarrassed. I try to forget that I ever had scoliosis. But it's hard to forget something that you deal with every single day...

My inspiration for this blog came from a few different avenues:

1st. My mom. She has always been by my side thru this entire scoliosis journey. More so than anyone else on earth. And she has always begged me to own up to it, be proud of it, and use it to inspire others. The only problem is- to inspire others would require me actually telling others which would require me swallowing my pride... something I haven't been able to do.
2nd. My roommate and dear friend, Britt. Britt has seen struggle, and she has been able to overcome and cope and continues to do so. She is such an inspiration to me. Her and I have a very unique, incredibly deep connection. We have helped each other thru a lot. We are very honest with each other and she has truly changed my life for the better. Having her to confide in and find strength and support from has helped me more than she knows.
3rd. My cousin Alexis. She went public with her battle of cancer and has consequently inspired hundreds of people including myself.
~I love and thank these wonderful women.~

My fight started in middle school when I was diagnosed with scoliosis or "crooked spine". We went to a doctor- Dr. John T. Smith. He wanted to do regular check ups to keep an eye on it. But as I grew, the scoliosis only got worse and more painful. And so the doctor prescribed a back brace...
It was middle school... we had just moved into the new area and new school, I was in my 'awkward' and overweight phase, i had glasses braces and now This. This. This brace was nothing short of miserable. First of all, you had to wear a white, short sleeve cotton onesie underneath. Then you put on the brace and lie on the ground on your stomach in nothing but your onesie at which point someone had to strap it on as tight as the doctor had marked on the straps... which was always ridiculously tight. Then you awkwardly get off the ground, unable to breath with the corset-from-hell on and put on multiple layers of clothes. Why the layers? the brace made my body look ridiculously dis-proportioned and thus I tried to hide it with the massive amounts of clothing. It was hot. So so hot. I was constantly in a sweat and out of breath which made me feel ten times fatter than I actually was. Plus I was always terrified that someone would accidentally bump into me and notice that I was wrapped in rock hard plastic... try explaining that one! haha. I remember my mom always joked- "well at least you'll have rock hard abs!" haha oh how that woman is the only reason i have survived this life...
And maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't on the Advanced Dance team. But that was my way of fitting into my new school and awkward body and i was NOT about to give it up. Dance had been my whole life. I was raised by a dancer, around dancers, always dancing. It was what I had spent my whole life learning and loving. Plus- for those few minutes when I was free of the brace... I experienced pure freedom. And that was worth the awkward stuffing of the brace into a locker and hoping nobody would see- then waiting til all the girls left to pull it out and have someone put it on me. One word to explain this brace: Awkward. And it was uncomfortable too. The left side jabbed clear into my arm pit and the back pads left red marks and rashes. I was suppose to wear it at night... but i could never sleep and quickly learned to take it off myself... something mum wasn't too happy about it. She would come in to wake me up each morning and find that brace on the ground and beg me to just leave it on for one. single. night. But it was just sooo hot and uncomfortable... and so the struggle went.

The only enjoyable part was the warm plaster they applied over your body as you were being fitted for the brace. I did not mind that at all :)

So the years went on... the back brace wasn't working [slash] i wasn't wearing it. The curve got worse and exceeded 60 degrees. I was in great pain and had an uneven back apparent to the naked eye. We went to the doctor for one of our check ins and he broke the news to us- I needed surgery. If I didn't get the surgery, it would only be a matter of years before I was completely hunched over and unable to walk. Everyone acted like it was such a big deal, but I just thought of my scoliosis as an annoying little bug that i only dealt with when i was forced to and otherwise pretended like it wasn't there. I said 'yea, sure' to the surgery. I just wanted to get it done and move on with my life. I was terrified of the effects it would have on my dancing, but most of the time just tried not to think about it.
The surgery came... Mom and her husband at the time, Jon, took me in. We had family drama that morning on our way to the hospital. I was excited when the nurse finally came to get me from the waiting room because the drama was not something 'high school jerica' wanted to handle. Neither was the scoliosis, but at least it involved anesthesia. In high school, the only thing a girl wants to worry about is her hair, bff's, and boyfriends. Not a physical deformity. But alas my surgery would fix it and I could go on and never look back.
The surgery lasted a few hours (I honestly don't know how long). They hung me upside down I guess and cut an incision along my spine going from my neck to my tailbone (a very straight one, might i add. thanks dr. smith! :)
they then did some doctor stuff and put in 2 titanium rods and six screws, stitched me up, and I woke up a short time after. Oh what a rude awakening that was. All my defenses and denial failed me as I was forced to face the rude reality of the surgery. I can remember that hospital room very well. I remember the unmentionable pain, the discomfort. I remember in the middle of the night... the beeping machines and the nurses coming in every so often to lift me up and place me on my opposite side so that my organs didn't settle wrong or something like that. and it seemed every time i would finally be able to drift back to sleep they'd be right in to do it again. i hated moving or being moved- it was the most painful thing. I remember crying and crying and crying and pushing that stupid painkiller button in hopes that it had been long enough since the last time i pushed it. I remember feeling like this was the end, and wanting nothing more than to give up. I didn't want to fight this scoliosis battle anymore. I hated it and I hated having the reality of it hit me like a big red truck. I did not want to be conscious. I had visitors that were sweet enough to come see me, but I had little to no desire to talk or eat or do anything for that matter. It only took a matter of minutes for me to slip into a deep deep depression where I had completely forgotten what I was fighting for. And what a sad, sad place that was. But the Lord would have never given me something that I couldn't handle, thus he gave me my mom. She stayed by my side night and day. She held my hand and catered to my every need. She listened to the endless sobs and cries for relief. She put her own fears and pains aside so that she could entirely focus on mine. Truly the greatest blessing in my life. Well the hospital days continued. They wanted me to sit up. I didn't want to. Nothing seemed more difficult than that- sitting up. But somehow I did it and threw up every single time. That was fun haha. Then they wanted me to walk and eat and go to the restroom by myself- all these things that had once come so natural to me but I was now not even motivated to do. But somehow, we got thru. Mom, God and I did it. I remember I was in the hospital on Easter and the nurse brought me a huge Easter basket with a big bunny and hand tied blanket. I cried and cried I was so grateful for a service project that someone- some mutual group or charity organization did, which meant the world to me. Because oh how I needed it that Easter Sunday. I needed the grace of God and my mother on that balcony because I otherwise had lost my meaning. But finally, the hospital days were over and we got to go home! Little did my mom know she would be taking care of me as she once did when i was an infant- attending to my every need. I became so dependent on her. So weak. I had no motivation to walk, but she would give me daily challenges to walk up the stairs once, or bribe me with a dvd if I ate all 3 meals. She tried to keep my life as normal as possible, but my lack of will power made it difficult and so she did what only a selfless love-filled mother could do, and became a stay at home mom to help her struggling 15 year old daughter. Months went by and my days became more meaningful. The homeschooling sucked and watching tv all day sucked and still fighting depression sucked but mom made it suck so much less. She helped to rehabilitate me and held my hand for months as I recovered. And Alas! I did recover! It was slow and painful, but more worth it than anything. And although it was a lonnnggg time before I accepted that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I finally reached it thanks to all the angels involved. I started to work out after about a year and started to dance again. I made the drill team and danced my heart out. I left my surgery in the dust, and never looked back. I haven't stopped dancing since, but now 5 years later its starting to catch up with me. It's like i crawled out of the scoliosis surgery black hole and sprinted away from it as fast as i could, but I haven't stopped sprinting since. I am almost 21, and have put my poor back thru endless nights of leaps and kicks and turns and rolls. It is time for me to slow down. Many girls are affected differently by the surgery; some can't even run. But I have been very blessed, and now I have to decide what I want to do with it. This wear and tear is no bueno, and I need to start thinking about my future. My rods gave me a second chance at life out of a wheelchair, but at this rate i'm headed right back down that path and into that wheelchair. I don't want that. I want to be able to hold my kids and chase them around. I want to be able to exercise and stay healthy and upright. Now I love dance. I am a dancer. It is my passion, my identity, my control, my upbringing, my exercise, my job, my release and my euphoria. But it is time to say good bye to it because I have new pages to turn in this chapter of life that without my healthy body are close to impossible. Dance used to make me so happy, and it still does, but it's not worth coming home to the tears, advil, and ice packs on not only my back, but knees hamstrings and shoulders too. I feel like my body is aging in warp speed and its scary to gingerly walk up stairs 1mph at a young age of 20. Now as Britt and I say- i don't have to eat an elephant overnight. But I will slowly prepare myself to say goodbye. I will hold onto my dancing memories and look forward to new life experiences. I will learn to fill the void with healthier outs and rely on all my identities besides just Jerica the Dancer. I will show my gratitude for my rods by taking care of myself and my back. I will realize that I have proven to myself and everyone else what I can do with dance and i will replace dreams of dancing in LA with dreams of a happy healthy family and future. Lastly, I just want to say how grateful I am for my rods. And how grateful I am that I have accomplished what I have with what i have been given. I hope that I can inspire even just one person. I hope I can humble myself and embrace my trial instead of bury it. Because when it comes down to it, i will still wake up everyday with that 1ft 3inch scar along my spine. (yes, i did just measure it. quite a sight of coordination hahaha).

xoxo miss jer bree
p.s. for some reason, when my back is exposed to sun it gets splotches of red and white pigment colors around the scar... but i don't mind :)

me? lame?

well... i never thought i was. but lately that is the only reaction i get from people: "you're lame."

disclaimer: not All my fans have turned against me... but a descent amount. (thank you to those who still think i am the cats meow).

i don't like writing blog posts anymore. why?? because i don't have anything thrilling to tell you about. i'm not pregnant. i didn't get accepted into grad school. i'm not traveling to africa or fiji. i didn't just meet the man of my dreams or find an ideal internship to further my career. i don't have any admirable degrees or out of this world jobs. i don't have a lot of money and sometimes i just want to get a good night's sleep. i'm not redecorating my mansion of a house or saving anybody's life. i have no terminal illnesses (thankfully) and don't have a houseful of kids to tell you about. I'm not in any mid-life crisis (besides the ones i create in my head daily) and i'm just not that extraordinary. i mean i'll change my hair color every once in a while... but that's about the extent of my excitement. i'm. just. me... and loving it :)

One of my best friends has a blog called 'lovin every moment' and that is exactly what she does. Granted she has a lot to love- a stud of a husband and little baby boy in her belly- but even when times aren't ideal for her, she finds a way to love her life.

So why have people been calling me 'lame' lately? Well besides the things mentioned above, I have recently started a budget. It has been a long time coming and is something that I have always wanted to do. Now that I am in a finance class and have to do it for an assignment, my goal has been reached. This is great and all, but my friends find it very 'lame'. I also have a goal to start eating healthier. Plus I am working on raising my gpa in hopes of grad school sooo my studies are requiring more time than usual. So with me not going to parties as often or late night breakfast runs as frequently... i have earned the title of 'lame'.

And you know what... I can be lame. I am allowing myself to be lame. Cuz when I can afford that iphone... when i fit into that swimsuit... when i'm prepared for that prince charming... or when i get accepted to that grad school... it will all be worth my few 'lame' days. And they aren't so bad anyway ;) in fact. i'm lovin it!

xoxo miss jer bree