So hey. I graduated. Well kinda. I walked in graduation ceremonies, but I haven't actually received the degree. I have a few small independent study classes to brush out of the way, and then they will give me that gosh forsaken piece of paper.
I moved home. That has been a joke and a half. Just kidding. Kinda. My mom is fantastic, and so is the stepdad, but parents are still parents and if you live at home... well. You live at home.
Can someone just please tell me where this yellow brick road is? I've been looking for it and asking all the tin-lookin men, but can't seem to find it. I thought that after graduation, I would be carried away by a sparkling blurb, strong enough to hold my weight and whisk me away into pretty-looking nothingness as i gently wave my glittering wand at the lovely looking midgets below me, squeaking my beautiful name in highest admiration. ummm what? didn't happen. not even close. (i'm sick of pushing shift, so let us just cope with the lower case for now).
My life up to this point has been a marathon. I've passed people, and people have passed me. I've helped others, and others have lifted me. I've learned and grown and struggled along the way, but I just kept pushing. And finally, in April, I reached the finish line. But then what? I collapsed and drank some water and looked around to see people expecting me to stand back up, and walk away. But toward what? Nobody told me that there was life after the finish line. I never even thought about it, as silly as it sounds. I just assumed i would be married (the boyfriend and i are not rushing into that anytime soon) or have a job lined up (and magically appear off the magnificent job tree that everyone Doesn't talk about). But instead- i entered a great state of what we will call 'lost'- for lack of a deeper term.
I couldn't find a job. Anywhere. I was out of school. Living with my parents. And that wasn't going so hott. My mom and i love like sisters, and fight like them as well. One day i was being a total beezy and i overheard her tell my stepdad that 'if she is so unhappy here then maybe she should just move out to Malibu and be with her boyfriend'...
Jumped on a plane the next day.
Malibu was good. But it didn't deem me any less 'lost'. It was nice to run away for a month or so, but I knew about the nothingness that awaited me at home, and nothing stressed me out more! Nonetheless, it waited for me. Oh so patiently. And I came home to it...
Hayes (boyfriend) moved here a week ago. Yeah- let's change the subject and talk about that. It was an interesting change. We talked about it with our therapist before we left Cali, but it still proved rocky at first. You have to understand that the only thing i knew in our relationship was the long distance dynamic. When we were together, we were inseparable. And when we were apart, we were untouchable (like i literally could not touch him. 2 states away). That's all I had known. So now you try and guess what happened when he moved here. I had a few theories, one of which played out.
I clung. I clung to him for dear life since the second he stepped foot in the state. I spent every waking second with him. For days. He tried to get me to go home (for the mere reason of my mother threatening me with my life and me not having changed clothes or showered for days), but i freaked. I panicked, and he held me for yet another night. It was so unhealthy. And all this together time, discombobulated, high stress situation provided for many angry words. My emotions were on crack- holy hot mess. So finally, I found the courage to choose to leave him, and trust that he would be there in the morning. It was one of the hardest things i've done. don't judge me. I was convinced he'd be gone come sunrise. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't sleep. Attachment issues, much? I don't know if its from my dad, or just the nature of Hayes' and I relationship, but it was bad.
But guess what... after that one rough night, it was fine. I was fine, he was fine. We were fine. And we've been in pure bliss ever since. It is just the coolest thing to have a boyfriend. Here. In the flesh. If i need a hug its like "ring ring oh hey boyfriend i'm at your house
Anyway. I gotta end this quick or i'll be misusing 'your' all over the place. I still feel a little lost. But I got a job or two, have another interview tomorrow, have an amazing wonderful boyfriend that loves me, live at home for free, and really need to get my butt in gear with these IS classes. I will have them finished by August. At which point I want to do hair school at Gemini Salon. Then go to grad school and get my LCSW. Yeah mmmk so we will go with that for now. And i've gotten fat. So that's nice. Well sweet dreeeeeaaammsss i'm sleepy out!
xxoo miss jer bree
