Post grad life- is there one??

I have an interview tomorrow morning and i've already taken my sleep pills... so it seems like pretty appropriate timing to blog haha.

So hey. I graduated. Well kinda. I walked in graduation ceremonies, but I haven't actually received the degree. I have a few small independent study classes to brush out of the way, and then they will give me that gosh forsaken piece of paper.

I moved home. That has been a joke and a half. Just kidding. Kinda. My mom is fantastic, and so is the stepdad, but parents are still parents and if you live at home... well. You live at home.

Can someone just please tell me where this yellow brick road is? I've been looking for it and asking all the tin-lookin men, but can't seem to find it. I thought that after graduation, I would be carried away by a sparkling blurb, strong enough to hold my weight and whisk me away into pretty-looking nothingness as i gently wave my glittering wand at the lovely looking midgets below me, squeaking my beautiful name in highest admiration. ummm what? didn't happen. not even close. (i'm sick of pushing shift, so let us just cope with the lower case for now). 

My life up to this point has been a marathon. I've passed people, and people have passed me. I've helped others, and others have lifted me. I've learned and grown and struggled along the way, but I just kept pushing. And finally, in April, I reached the finish line. But then what? I collapsed and drank some water and looked around to see people expecting me to stand back up, and walk away. But toward what? Nobody told me that there was life after the finish line. I never even thought about it, as silly as it sounds.  I just assumed i would be married (the boyfriend and i are not rushing into that anytime soon) or have a job lined up (and magically appear off the magnificent job tree that everyone Doesn't talk about).  But instead- i entered a great state of what we will call 'lost'- for lack of a deeper term. 

I couldn't find a job. Anywhere. I was out of school. Living with my parents. And that wasn't going so hott. My mom and i love like sisters, and fight like them as well. One day i was being a total beezy and i overheard her tell my stepdad that 'if she is so unhappy here then maybe she should just move out to Malibu and be with her boyfriend'...

Jumped on a plane the next day.

Malibu was good. But it didn't deem me any less 'lost'. It was nice to run away for a month or so, but I knew about the nothingness that awaited me at home, and nothing stressed me out more! Nonetheless, it waited for me. Oh so patiently. And I came home to it...

Hayes (boyfriend) moved here a week ago. Yeah- let's change the subject and talk about that. It was an interesting change. We talked about it with our therapist before we left Cali, but it still proved rocky at first.  You have to understand that the only thing i knew in our relationship was the long distance dynamic. When we were together, we were inseparable. And when we were apart, we were untouchable (like i literally could not touch him. 2 states away). That's all I had known. So now you try and guess what happened when he moved here. I had a few theories, one of which played out.

I clung. I clung to him for dear life since the second he stepped foot in the state. I spent every waking second with him.  For days. He tried to get me to go home (for the mere reason of my mother threatening me with my life and me not having changed clothes or showered for days), but i freaked. I panicked, and he held me for yet another night. It was so unhealthy. And all this together time, discombobulated, high stress situation provided for many angry words. My emotions were on crack- holy hot mess. So finally, I found the courage to choose to leave him, and trust that he would be there in the morning. It was one of the hardest things i've done. don't judge me. I was convinced he'd be gone come sunrise. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't sleep. Attachment issues, much? I don't know if its from my dad, or just the nature of Hayes' and I relationship, but it was bad.

But guess what... after that one rough night, it was fine. I was fine, he was fine. We were fine. And we've been in pure bliss ever since. It is just the coolest thing to have a boyfriend. Here. In the flesh. If i need a hug its like "ring ring oh hey boyfriend i'm at your house so can you come give me a hug". So great. No more skype. Wait- what? NO MORE SKYPEEE!!! wow. wohowww. sleepy pills are setting in.

Anyway. I gotta end this quick or i'll be misusing 'your' all over the place. I still feel a little lost. But I got a job or two, have another interview tomorrow, have an amazing wonderful boyfriend that loves me, live at home for free, and really need to get my butt in gear with these IS classes. I will have them finished by August. At which point I want to do hair school at Gemini Salon. Then go to grad school and get my LCSW. Yeah mmmk so we will go with that for now. And i've gotten fat. So that's nice. Well sweet dreeeeeaaammsss i'm sleepy out!

xxoo miss jer bree

Distance makes the heart grow fonder... kinda...

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..." 

It's 4am and I just got off of the phone with him.  I had another panic and, as always, he was there to answer the call- even if it was in the middle of the night and he's needing his sleep because he's been sick all week.

This is my life. Welcome. haha. I am always posting about "5 more days til Malibu!" or "I can't wait to see my boy again!" But what I don't post is the long months in between some visits where we are both working our tails off to earn enough money to buy a single plane ticket. That's what we live and work for right now- plane tickets. But people don't see that. They see the cute beach pictures and the fun times, but they don't see the long nights of tears and loneliness in between.

I know this is weird to think about and hard to believe, but I have never lived in the same state as my boyfriend and we have been together for almost a year now, minus a few months in between.  We did spend 3 weeks together once, and that was just amazing. People think I'm crazy for spending all my money on plane tickets (i agree), but when you're in love, there is no other choice. I live my life by 2 sayings: "follow your heart" and "no regrets", and it has worked out pretty well for me.  Life is too short to Not spend it with the one you love.

People also wonder how we do it. Well- we both work. A lot. Last semester I carried 2 jobs while going to school full time, sometimes 3. And he works 40+ hours a week to make sure that if I ever have an 'episode', we can afford to get a ticket.  It is rough. It is very rough. It has been the cause of many emotional meltdowns for me, and he has been there for every single one. I literally tell him on a daily basis how much i 'hate this', but even after hearing that for hundreds of days in a row, he still gives the validation and sympathy i need, (as if it's not hard for him, too). I don't exactly have the personality type for a long distance relationship. At all.  My love language is physical touch- that right there is the first problem.  I am also a very in-the-moment present-time person. Another restraint. But like the quote says, I know that he is my one and only and so we make it work.

And can i please tell you how amazing he is? Honestly- it takes a saint to put up with what he has had to handle, and I don't think he gets enough credit. This long distance thing really takes a toll. He is just grateful to have me, and our nightly chats are good enough for him, but I require much much more.  And sometimes, it gets to be far too much to handle for me.  Being in love and finding your other half, yet sitting home alone on weekends and going to church by yourself and movies with the gals, only to come home and skype him- torture. It's like 'oh! here is your soulmate- but you can only have him in a computer screen and every few weekends in person, but other than that you have to know you're in a relationship while living in a single girl lifestyle.' ....not ideal. And it causes a lot of stress and strain on me, that then enters the relationship and causes fights or arguments because, although the situation is the root of the problem, i incessantly take it out on him. And he takes it. Like a champ. Like a boss.

Lots of nights I have my 'episodes' and I freak out and I don't know what to do so I jump to the most obvious, yet ineffective solution- a break up. Then five minutes go by (if not less) and i realize that my solution has nothing to do with the problem at hand, and only makes it worse, so i call him back in tears and beg him to take me back. And, like the wonderful man he is, he does. But unfortunately, a few hours go by, and I forget what I had just learned.
It used to be bad. I used to have 'freak outs' or 'break ups' on a daily basis. It is hard for me and I struggled with it for a long time, but thanks to weeks of therapy, nightly scriptures with him, lots of prayer, and the most patient, selfless, forgiving loving man in the world- we're down to once a week! haha. I wish I was joking, and I know this sounds absurd. But just try to put yourself in my shoes. I am torn, I really am. I have dissonance lots of times and as demonstrative as it sounds- i crave harmony. And even tho my go-to 'solution' never gives me this harmony, it always looks like it will. He's adopted the third eye blind motto of 'i'm not listening when you say goodbye'. haha.

So this is my trial. One year, two states away. I can't go over to his house and hang out. I can't call him up when I need someone to go to a concert with. I can't ask him to come over because i just need a hug. All i can do is get on that dang computer and let him talk me out of my crazy ways while i sob continually and give the webcam random kisses.  Yes- we are one of those. He'll even hug his laptop to give me the vicarious feeling i'm being held. Pathetic? maybe. But all judgment aside- it works. And right now we've just got to do what we can to get thru this time apart.
I can't decide if it has gotten harder or easier with time.  I say easier because we (I- he has always been good at it) have gotten better at it, but harder because each day we grow closer yet the distance remains. And until one of us can afford a plane ticket- there it stays.

Now, i know i am blessed. I really am. Many are away from their loved ones that are on missions or in the armed forces- but I could honestly never do that, so I would never put myself in that situation. My heart really goes out to those that have lost their significant others to death- that I cannot even fathom. I am blessed. To have found my other half- a Godsend in itself. And to be able to fly to Malibu every so often- talk about paradise. But we would both trade that paradise in a heartbeat to be together- and that is what we'll do.

26 more days! 26 26 26!!! 26 days until he moves here. I cannot express to you my joy. I am beyond excited to start my life with him. To just 'hang out' with him, not on a quick weekend trip or over a laptop screen but in real life, on a day-to-day basis. That's what we always say- "i can't wait to hang out with you!" Because honestly- it is the simple things like that that we look forward to. I'm convinced that our fighting will cease- for the distance is all we fight about anyway-kinda lol. (But let's be honest- i'm sure we'll find something new to argue so we can still have make-up make-outs) haha. tmi??

Anyway. I just thought I might share the other side to this love story that nobody gets to see.  The long, tear-filled nights like this one. Where I lie awake craving for his touch- his hand on my face, his sweet lips on my cheek, anything. I just want to hold his hand- to give him a hug. I would give anything. But this is my trial and so I will try to endure it well and look at the 26-day light at the end of the tunnel. I will count my blessings and focus on the good.  He gets paid tomorrow- and luckily, if its a sufficient amount, I will get to see him in ten days! It has almost been a month and i'm dyyying haha. But in the end, he makes it worth every impatient breath and lonely tear. After all- he is my better half. ;)

xoxo miss jer bree

Why i'm with him...

There are a million fish in the sea, but only 1 that is for me!
Haha warning: cheesy post ahead.

Okay so let's be real, I have dated my fair share of men. I have had a plentiful amount of guy friends. And the ncmo's are innumerable. So then- how, you ask, did I finally end up with this one? I would Love to tell you.

Is our relationship perfect? Far from it. I'm not going to try and make you believe i'm living a fairytale, because sometimes it has its nightmare moments. But there are reasons why i'm with him... reasons that out number any reason i could/would ever be without him. Reasons that we are coming up on our 10 month... minus a few in between lol.

So here are a few of them:

*We make-up more often than we fight.

*We never go to bed mad.

*He can keep up with me. I have never found a guy that can do this. But not only can he keep up with me. He has taken the time to learn... well, me. My ways, my quirks, my strengths, my weaknesses, my insecurities, my habits. And he has learned how to work with them- insomuch that he can now end a 'Jerica-freak out irrational break-up attempt' within a record speed of 5 minutes. I still don't know how he does it, but he does it. He has a calming effect over me that is only comparable to that of my mom and my bff's. That, my friends, is impressive.

*His patience and forgiveness. I am not exactly a relational person when it comes to guys. My internal working model is extremely messed up, and this whole relationship thing has been a rollercoaster of me trying to figure out how it is done. I have made many mistakes along the way, but he has stuck with me thru it. He is the only man that has cared enough to take the time and accept the risks of entering a long-term relationship with me. I have the hardest time being vulnerable, trusting men, and committing, but he was willing to take a chance on me.

*He knows what I want, but then he knows what I really want. And he focuses on the latter, even when it conflicts with the first.

*He doesn't hold grudges. Ever.

*His optimism. Blows me away.

*He accepts me. In all my craziness, and even thru stability (which is sometimes harder because it is more rare) haha.

*We change together. Sometimes I decide that I don't want to be a diva, I want to act homeless. And sometimes he decides he doesn't want to be a lawyer, he wants to be a therapist instead. But we both embrace each other and our curve-ball changes.

*He 'gets' me.

*I can tell him anything. I don't think he could judge someone if he tried.

*He reminds me not to be too hard on myself. If I had to pick somebody else to be 'me', it would be him.

*He is a man of his word. He is honest and trustworthy- and talk about work ethic.

*He is willing to compromise. I could never be with a stubborn man. And the more he compromises for me, the more I desire to compromise for him.

*His humility. Many many times, he is the first to apologize. Even when he has done nothing wrong. And he is willing to work on things and change for the better, which helps me to do the same.

*His selflessness. Even when he has needs, he puts them aside to focus on mine (even when they are much less important than his). i.e. losing sleep to listen to me vent about my nail polish.

*He knows when to say no to me. He can deliver the most loving, yet assertive messages. It amazes me, and keeps me from getting defensive.

*His sense of humor. Key in our relationship. He can always make me laugh, even if i'm in the middle of telling him he never answers his phone and that 'i can't do this long-distance anymore'. One silly joke or ridiculous analogy and my feminazi facade is cracked.

*He never gives up. Ever ever ever. His endurance and tolerance is mind boggling to me. But it keeps us together.

*His flexibility and open-mindedness. I change my mind. A lot. We may have grandiose plans for the day, but then I might want to just sit on the beach instead. He is chill and goes with the flow, as long as its reasonable. And to be honest- i think he likes the excitement of the spontaneity. :)

*He gently pushes me out of my comfort zone. He encourages me to do things and think ways that my diva personality initially rejects i.e. riding the bus or shopping at discount stores. He even gets me to come to terms with being vulnerable, with being imperfect. Only he could do that.

*He isn't too sensitive, and expects me to be the same. He can give me a taste of my own medicine- in a good way. For instance, I freak out when he doesn't answer his phone and leave voicemails telling him he is NEVER available when I need him. So what did he do the one time I didn't answer? left me the same voicemail in his pretend-stern voice. I was laughing so hard.

*His incredible amount of security and self esteem. I've never met a more secure man in my life. Notice I said self-esteem, not ego-esteem. He is secure enough that he doesn't have to tell the world about it. It's a quiet confidence. For instance, because we are so different, sometimes I forget that's why i love him and I will criticize it. I will tell him he is gross for wearing band t-shirts and being a typical male. He laughs and tells me that I am in love with a gross gross man. I then start laughing. He loves who/how he is, and so do I. He knows that in reality, I would never want to change it, but sometimes I forget that and he reminds me. He also is not intimidated by me like lots of other guys. He knows I go on my independent woman rampages, and he just lets me do so because I soon realize how much I really need him and jump off that high horse. It's like he knows that I will always always come back to him. I just can't, not.

*His temper control. Phenomenal. Self control in general. Blows me away. He never raises his voice. He never makes crazy irrational decisions. He never gets furious with me. Just wow.

*His capacity to love. Endless. And it's not restricted- I don't think there is anybody that he hates. The bums down the street know his name because he literally loves everyone and treats them equally.

So there ya go. These, among many others, are reasons why i love my man. And you may have noticed that all these different aspects of why i love him are various Christ-like attributes. I feel so blessed to have such an incredible guy to call my own, and freaking can't wait til he moves here in June! haha
Love you, baby.

xoxo miss jer bree

Happiness

Counting my blessings and thinking about what makes me happy...













xoxo miss jer bree