4 months ago i bought a one way plane ticket to Washington, D.C. I had no clue what to expect, but i did know, for a fact, that the Lord wanted me out there. It wasn't until I was on that plane home, over 100 days later, that I realized why...
In fact. There were lots of "why's". And throughout my journey, i kept having 'ah-hah!' moments in which i would think that i had finally figured out the real reason i was out there. The truth is, there were endless reasons that i needed to spend my summer on the east coast; endless lessons to be learned. And I wouldn't be doing them justice if I didn't jot them down to share with others and remember for myself.
Now when I wrote my first blog post about DC, i wasn't completely honest. Because it is all over and done with, I feel inclined to go back and express what was really going on.
Winter semester was coming to an end, and I had my entire Summer planned out. I lived in a beautiful townhome with incredible roommies. I had a great job teaching dance and plenty of opportunities. But there were a few things to come that I feared. For one, my cute mom was getting remarried- which meant i would be leaving my house of 9 years. The very home that we moved into right after my dad died, symbolizing a new life. The place that I came home to after long days in middle school and late night drill practices my senior year. The house that was surrounded by close friends and family who helped me through the toughest and most rewarding years. It would soon be gone. No longer mine. And I would be living in a new neighborhood, under a new roof, with a new family that was to be called my own... I was terrified. Even at 21 years old, transition is still scary, and probably always will be. I didn't feel ready for this one. I needed more time...
My second fear was that of entering my career. Around the end of the semester, I had an interview at the Utah State Prison. They were looking for interns willing to rehabilitate prisoners, specifically sex offenders. And as unappealing as it sounds, this internship is quite the opportunity for Psych students as myself (pays well, too). I had been looking for an internship for grad apps etc, and this seemed ideal. And so I went to the interview, dressed up in my nicest clothes. I told them what they wanted to hear and walked through the prison halls back out to my car wondering if I got the gig, when suddenly I was overcome with a most sickening feeling. It dawned on me that I was growing up, entering my field, and moving on to bigger things. A smack in the face, just like that. Luckily, I headed straight from the interview to teach a dance class. I stripped off my business attire and jumped into my dance sweats and let myself get lost in the music. I was home. Home to something familiar, not scary. And oh how stark the contrast was. I just didn't feel ready to enter my field of Psychology... I needed more time. Time to grow. Time to find myself, who I was/am. Time to figure out what I really wanted. Time to believe in myself. Time to breathe.
I had my whole summer lined up, but it was too perfect. And anyone that knows me knows that perfect=boring. I needed to mix things up and buy more time. I needed to clear my head; to get away. I needed my breakthrough moment that would allow me to peacefully go on with my life. I needed to answer those deep questions of 'why am i here' and 'what am i going to do with it'. I needed time to think and question... question everything. Question why I chose the field I did, question why I live the way i do, question my religion and myself. I wanted to be sure of things before I moved any further. I didn't want to end up 20 years down the road and asking these same questions I had had for so long. I wanted to cleanse myself of all attachments- attachments to family, friends, a closet of clothes, culture, an ingrained religion, school, work, hobbies, obligations, everything, and see what was left.
And so, I prayed. And the Lord sent me to DC...
And I struggled. Every single day. And I cried. And I found myself on my knees. Lots. And I watched as the Lord stripped me down, piece by piece. And just when I thought there was nothing left, he would gently peel another layer of skin away. And he would hold me as I cried through the whole thing and watched the blood trickle out. He never let go. And even tho I couldn't hear him, and was quickly angered with him, He never once left me. And after he had finished, He blessed me. Blessed me beyond belief. And that's how it was for the rest of the Summer. A mix of trials and blessings.
And if nothing else, it was a Summer of learning. So... let me share with you what I learned. Now these are all lessons that i'm sure you've heard, but this was the time for me to see them manifest in my own life...
it was funny because i went out there to find myself and get rid of everyone else, but when i looked deep inside myself, guess what i saw? a little bit of every one else. i realized that i am noone unless i am in relation to someone. the moment that helped me realize this was in the car with bethany and her little girl gwynne. gwynne was whining because we had to leave the beach, when bethany kindly began to explain that "it doesn't matter what we are doing as long as we are doing it together". touche, beth. touche.
i learned to never take things for granted. specifically dust pans and spoons. 2 things i won't ever look at the same.
i learned how important people are. i discovered how much i truly love people. i saw the power people can have over you, both good and evil.
i learned that we have no clue what we've got til it's gone. no clue. at first, i honestly could not wait to escape the bands of a nagging mother... but guess who answered that phone at all hours of the night. guess who texted me lullabies when i couldn't sleep. guess who promised me it would be okay and gave me the strength to press forward when i thought i couldn't take another step. yeah- my mom.
i learned that what we're looking for may be sitting smack dab on our lap. when i got out there, i needed a car. and all i wanted was a beautiful, silver, new chrysler sebring with a Y sticker on the back and the word 'accadians' along the top to show 2 of my biggest accomplishments. i needed a job. and all i wanted to do was teach dance or do something involving psychology. i needed a place to live. and all i wanted was a cute little townhouse filled with amazing, inspiring girls. i needed friends. i needed a mom. all things i had just walked away from...
...but it took me 8 states and 4 months to figure that out and truly appreciate it.
i wanted to find my life, but it wasn't until i gave it to a 6 year old little boy that i found out what it was really worth and good for.
i learned what CTR means. It means 'choose the right' or, in my mind, 'make good choices'. It means that we have the ability to choose, and that there are options. I learned that I am completely in control of my life and that I am accountable for whatever path i head down or consequences I face. Essentially, I am the master of my fate. Which brings me to my next lesson...
i learned that in my core is Jesus Christ. He is my everything, my every breath. He is as much a part of me as I am myself. I can never escape Him or detach myself from him because He is my creator and even if I walk away from him, I am still in relation to Him, although the relationship has changed- it will never be dismissed or destroyed. And so i used this to my benefit and clung to him and dragged him through my ups and downs, thru which he gladly carried me.
i learned the truth in this quote: "It's not as bad as you sometimes think it is. It ALL works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it all works out. Put your trust in God and move forward, with faith and confidence in the future. The lord will not forsake us... If we put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, He will hear our prayers."
— Gordon B. Hinckley
i learned that it could always be worse.
i learned how to endure hard times. by first, recognizing it's a hard time but secondly, realizing it will not last forever and thirdly, enduring it well. Which could mean- having a good attitude or making the best of it or merely laughing to keep from crying.
i learned that God is empathetic toward us. He is proud of every feeble effort we make. He is the ultimate 'validate-er'. Sometimes i would endure my trials horribly, but he would remind me that i was enduring, nonetheless. And when i would cry because i just didn't feel like smiling, he would tell me it was perfectly okay.
i learned the importance of creating your own happiness and not relying on external situations, because they might never come. And if they do- oh what joy you would already have.
i learned how little we can survive on. (only to a small extent- nothing like frankl). but the rest is just luxury.
i learned that this was my mini mission, and i was pretty disappointed i didn't get to give a homecoming talk or have a parade of balloons waiting at the airport like all the other rm's ;)
i learned that you can find the good in anything, as well as the bad. CTR.
i learned that i can live out of a suitcase and be just fine without hundreds of outfits to choose from.
i learned that i am stronger than i think i am.
i learned that i am young, and that i want to respect and embrace my youth. i learned that i have plenty of time and all i have to do is take it one day after another.
i learned that i can always improve and do better and progress.
but most importantly, i learned that everything and anything is possible thru Christ. Whether it be happiness or progression.
Quite honestly, i didn't mean for this to turn into a religion lecture. but in looking for myself, this is exactly what i found. My savior and His gospel, my mom and amazing family, my friends, and everything else I had right here in front of me. But I am so very grateful for the opportunity to finally see it and learn all that I have. Now I am far from perfect and just because I learned these lessons once doesn't mean I won't need reminding of them, but now I can reach into them whenever i need.
This Summer truly changed my life and made me a better person. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
xoxo miss jer bree
