"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."
It's 4am and I just got off of the phone with him. I had another panic and, as always, he was there to answer the call- even if it was in the middle of the night and he's needing his sleep because he's been sick all week.
This is my life. Welcome. haha. I am always posting about "5 more days til Malibu!" or "I can't wait to see my boy again!" But what I don't post is the long months in between some visits where we are both working our tails off to earn enough money to buy a single plane ticket. That's what we live and work for right now- plane tickets. But people don't see that. They see the cute beach pictures and the fun times, but they don't see the long nights of tears and loneliness in between.
I know this is weird to think about and hard to believe, but I have never lived in the same state as my boyfriend and we have been together for almost a year now, minus a few months in between. We did spend 3 weeks together once, and that was just amazing. People think I'm crazy for spending all my money on plane tickets (i agree), but when you're in love, there is no other choice. I live my life by 2 sayings: "follow your heart" and "no regrets", and it has worked out pretty well for me. Life is too short to Not spend it with the one you love.
People also wonder how we do it. Well- we both work. A lot. Last semester I carried 2 jobs while going to school full time, sometimes 3. And he works 40+ hours a week to make sure that if I ever have an 'episode', we can afford to get a ticket. It is rough. It is very rough. It has been the cause of many emotional meltdowns for me, and he has been there for every single one. I literally tell him on a daily basis how much i 'hate this', but even after hearing that for hundreds of days in a row, he still gives the validation and sympathy i need, (as if it's not hard for him, too). I don't exactly have the personality type for a long distance relationship. At all. My love language is physical touch- that right there is the first problem. I am also a very in-the-moment present-time person. Another restraint. But like the quote says, I know that he is my one and only and so we make it work.
And can i please tell you how amazing he is? Honestly- it takes a saint to put up with what he has had to handle, and I don't think he gets enough credit. This long distance thing really takes a toll. He is just grateful to have me, and our nightly chats are good enough for him, but I require much much more. And sometimes, it gets to be far too much to handle for me. Being in love and finding your other half, yet sitting home alone on weekends and going to church by yourself and movies with the gals, only to come home and skype him- torture. It's like 'oh! here is your soulmate- but you can only have him in a computer screen and every few weekends in person, but other than that you have to know you're in a relationship while living in a single girl lifestyle.' ....not ideal. And it causes a lot of stress and strain on me, that then enters the relationship and causes fights or arguments because, although the situation is the root of the problem, i incessantly take it out on him. And he takes it. Like a champ. Like a boss.
Lots of nights I have my 'episodes' and I freak out and I don't know what to do so I jump to the most obvious, yet ineffective solution- a break up. Then five minutes go by (if not less) and i realize that my solution has nothing to do with the problem at hand, and only makes it worse, so i call him back in tears and beg him to take me back. And, like the wonderful man he is, he does. But unfortunately, a few hours go by, and I forget what I had just learned.
It used to be bad. I used to have 'freak outs' or 'break ups' on a daily basis. It is hard for me and I struggled with it for a long time, but thanks to weeks of therapy, nightly scriptures with him, lots of prayer, and the most patient, selfless, forgiving loving man in the world- we're down to once a week! haha. I wish I was joking, and I know this sounds absurd. But just try to put yourself in my shoes. I am torn, I really am. I have dissonance lots of times and as demonstrative as it sounds- i crave harmony. And even tho my go-to 'solution' never gives me this harmony, it always looks like it will. He's adopted the third eye blind motto of 'i'm not listening when you say goodbye'. haha.
So this is my trial. One year, two states away. I can't go over to his house and hang out. I can't call him up when I need someone to go to a concert with. I can't ask him to come over because i just need a hug. All i can do is get on that dang computer and let him talk me out of my crazy ways while i sob continually and give the webcam random kisses. Yes- we are one of those. He'll even hug his laptop to give me the vicarious feeling i'm being held. Pathetic? maybe. But all judgment aside- it works. And right now we've just got to do what we can to get thru this time apart.
I can't decide if it has gotten harder or easier with time. I say easier because we (I- he has always been good at it) have gotten better at it, but harder because each day we grow closer yet the distance remains. And until one of us can afford a plane ticket- there it stays.
Now, i know i am blessed. I really am. Many are away from their loved ones that are on missions or in the armed forces- but I could honestly never do that, so I would never put myself in that situation. My heart really goes out to those that have lost their significant others to death- that I cannot even fathom. I am blessed. To have found my other half- a Godsend in itself. And to be able to fly to Malibu every so often- talk about paradise. But we would both trade that paradise in a heartbeat to be together- and that is what we'll do.
26 more days! 26 26 26!!! 26 days until he moves here. I cannot express to you my joy. I am beyond excited to start my life with him. To just 'hang out' with him, not on a quick weekend trip or over a laptop screen but in real life, on a day-to-day basis. That's what we always say- "i can't wait to hang out with you!" Because honestly- it is the simple things like that that we look forward to. I'm convinced that our fighting will cease- for the distance is all we fight about anyway-kinda lol. (But let's be honest- i'm sure we'll find something new to argue so we can still have make-up make-outs) haha. tmi??
Anyway. I just thought I might share the other side to this love story that nobody gets to see. The long, tear-filled nights like this one. Where I lie awake craving for his touch- his hand on my face, his sweet lips on my cheek, anything. I just want to hold his hand- to give him a hug. I would give anything. But this is my trial and so I will try to endure it well and look at the 26-day light at the end of the tunnel. I will count my blessings and focus on the good. He gets paid tomorrow- and luckily, if its a sufficient amount, I will get to see him in ten days! It has almost been a month and i'm dyyying haha. But in the end, he makes it worth every impatient breath and lonely tear. After all- he is my better half. ;)
xoxo miss jer bree
