So this chick posted this thing about 30 things her kids should know about her. I have decided to blog it. :)
1. List 20 random facts about yourself. I have rods in my back, i have two full drawers of socks, my bf calls me chubby bunny cuz of my huge cheeks, i hate doing my own nails, my feet used to be ticklesh but now they're not, i can't ever decide on a hair color, i hate scary movies, i sleep with a nightlight, i hate the smell of metal, i take pics of my gas tank being full cuz it makes me happy and i never know when it will happen again, i don't like oranges because my mom is allergic, i have a really good shot with a gun, i love therapy and yoga and wish i could be a vegan hippie, i also wish i could be a glamour star diva, i have lots and lots of conflicting wishes, my bff is my bff becuase we speak psych, i have no clue what career i want, my fave movie is Like Crazy, i know sign language, i worked in the prison. Is that 20? lol
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears. I fear loneliness because my mom was single most of her life, i fear death because my dad died and it destroyed me, i fear getting fat. Just because.
3. Describe your relationship with your spouse. Um, well my boyfriend actually... is amazing. The greatest blessing I have ever been blessed with. My best friend. We are completely opposite and disagree on most everything. He compliments me perfectly. He babies me. Bad. Reminds me of my dad spoiling me. I love it. Boyfriend is so patient with me. And forgiving. And lets me do my thing. He loves me more than anyone has ever loved me. He makes me laugh more than anyone has ever made me laugh. We have our own little world and we love it. He knows me better than anyone... and still stays with me lol. I love sharing sacred moments with him and being vulnerable with him. It just feels right. He drives me nuts. I love him so much.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could. Haha ummm have a plan for after college, minor in dance even tho you hate their program, don't do independent study classes just finish on campus, you're doing great!, be nicer to everyone, don't get wrapped up in the drama, listen to more Josh Kelley radio on pandora, and don't worry your mom will divorce him soon and find wonderful gordi, when you get the urge to go to DC- maybe have a plan before you buy that one way plane ticket. Don't get your nose pierced. Stop making out with so many boys you lil slut. Don't freak out about the long distance- you'll end up with William anyway.
5. What are the 10 things that make you most happy right now? William. my loft, Emmy, my ward, yoga, Clarence, 7/11 hot choco, teaching dance, H&M fam, sleeping in.
6. If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for? My IS classes and grad school apps to be done, a wedding. tomorrow. ;), a money tree.
7. What is your dream job, and why? Wish i knew. My grandma said "dare to dream and work to realize your dreams"... i am currently doing the latter.
8. What are 5 passions you have? William, dance, God, clothes, family.
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how. Mom taught me every life lesson i ever learned. She's my best friend and the sister i never wanted but always needed lol. Grandma gives me strength everyday. God makes everything possible and gives blessings and comfort along the way. My dad blesses me from above, endlessly. My bishop is keeping hayes and i on the straight and narrow heading to mister temple. My dancers- every last one. I love them so so so much. William.. is my everything. Emmy- oh emmy. saves my butt on a daily basis and endures all my spontaneous bad decisions. I could really list everyone in my life here...
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
Probably when i fell on stage during a middle school dance show.Totes awk.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have. Loud chewing- William. Annoying scream-o music- William. Bad drivers- everyone but me. Dancers that won't press their shoulders down. Not having my toes covered at night, wearing clothes that touch my neck, usage of the wrong form of 'your' (i prob did it in this post lol), arrogant people, insensitive people, etc. etc.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
Wake up, get ready for work at H&M, work for about 7 hours, go snuggle boyfriend, then go either teach at the dance studio or work with janae, then dinner with william, then go home and pinterest and journal and pray and go to bed.
13. What’s the hardest part of growing up? Everything. I never thought I would face this much. Figuring out what you want to do with your life, your career. Love- love is the best and sometimes the hardest thing. There is no handbook on relationships, it is hard to figure out and be vulnerable and at some point, someone gets hurt. Money. Money, unfortunately, rules the world. Finding balance in all things. Fighting weight gain. Going back to school for a masters. Finding money to fund that degree. Trying to plan for the future when you don't even know where you'll be tomorrow. Then adding another person into all that. Deciding what you stand for, what is important to you, what you want, and what you're willing to work for. Then sticking to it. Life is hard. But the greatest gift ever.
14. Describe 5 weaknesses and strengths you have. Strengths: spiritual faith, not being tempted by alcohol or drugs, being optimistic, loving others. Weaknesses: getting my classes done, controlling my hormones haha, time management, patience, focusing.
15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love. On our round 2 of dating, when I went out to Malibu. Words can't describe... i just wanted him more than anything or anyone i've ever wanted in my whole life and i knew that i would be his forever.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments? Practically graduating college, surviving my back surgery, figuring out how to be in a committed relationship, not getting too fat, not giving into anything too bad that would mess up my life aka Surviving! haha. And making great friends.
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at? Relationships. I suck. Or being motivated.
18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you? My booty. jk. My tender heart and sensitivity? but he complains that i cry too much lol. Maybe my care/love for him and belief in his abilities.
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent? haha. not quite...
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood. Dad dying, Getting my barbie car, Sundays at grandma's.
21. Describe your relationship with your parents. My mom and I are inseparable. The end. She is my angel.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? Happy. Married. With kids. Successful. Humble
23. What’s your favorite holiday and why? Christmas! the music! and looove and snuggles.
24. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood? .......i really love the show Parenthood. It's my favorite.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat? Michael Jackson. Doesn't matter what we eat. I wouldn't be able to eat anyway.
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong? perception of mormons.
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why? my back and my feet. my surgery, dancing.
28. What’s your favorite quality in your spouse? Everything. I absolutely love everything about him.
But I especially love his ability to stay calm and reasonable. And make me laugh :)
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your prosperity? That they will stay close to their Savior and find happiness.
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for? I want to influence people for the good. I want to give away my love to those that need it.I want to be a good wife and mother and daughter and sister. I want to let my creativity thrive.
Miss Jer Bree... #youngandinlove
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Saturday, 27 October 2012
Sick girl status.
10/26
Well i fear my facebook friends are gettin real sick of seeing all my 'sick girl' pics and updates, yet i have plenty more to say. So, here we go.
Okay so it all started on Monday. I was having life anxiety about having a college degree and folding clothes for a living, not knowing where i want to go or who i want to be. So, I took a temp job in an insurance office for a day in hopes of having a follow up interview. Got there, they stuck me in tiny office with no windows or humans, reading tiny numbers and making phone calls to French people. i started making the calls, but after a while, I freaked. i began to panic. my hands started shaking. i ran to the bathroom and puked my guts out and went home thanking goodness that i would have the opportunity to fold clothes in a lively environment with music, interaction and the greatest people in the world the following day. (i don't do well in offices lacking emotional and interpersonal stimulation)
Well i went home to sleep it off, but to my surprise, woke up feeling worse. i slept thru the night, but could hardly breathe the next morning. my stomach pain was intense and i spent almost all of Tuesday in the bathroom. In fact, i've spent everyday since then the exact same way. The body aches are unforgiving and the headache- relentless. The throwing up has stayed down to once or twice a day, mainly in my throat, but i haven't been so fortunate on the other end (ew gross). I can't eat. The mere thought makes me sick. I am down to about 200 calories a day. The weird thing- i haven't had a fever, nobody around me has gotten sick (aka boyfriend), i haven't traveled out of the country or gone camping, and no... I'M NOT PREGNANT. haha if i had a dime for every time someone asked me that in the past week. i really just thought it was the stomach flu... but i can hardly move now. I went to instacare yesterday but they couldn't diagnose me so they sent me home with nausea medicine and some pedialite (sp?). I woke up worse and went to the U where they gave me Another pregnancy test (which was negative as i insisted) and hooked me up to an IV (ThrEe pokes later) to give me some fluids since i was so dehydrated. They ran some urine and blood tests that i will find out about on Monday. Doc thinks it may be a bladder or kidney infection. He put me on some meds and sent me home. Am i feeling better? more or less.
But i think this battle has been as much mental as it has been physical. First off, let's talk about everything i've missed... aka work! okay i'm not exactly financially fit these days. missing a week of work... Ouch! really not ideal. at all. Not to mention it's been an uphill battle to get my shifts covered, but i've had a lot of help at the dance studio so that is nice. Additionally, i have missed basically everything that requires leaving my bed. i lay here all day and watch tv. everytime i think i'm well enough to leave the house... i soon regret it. it's weird... when you're sick it feels like you'll Never get better. or is that just me? it feels like this is my life now- no wonder i'm depressed. i've never been sick for longer than a day or two, so this is just cramping my style.
But i have had some serious support... William has been a Saint! I don't even know where to begin. He has literally waited on me hand and foot. And since i ended up going cold turkey on my normal daily meds... i haven't exactly been the most pleasant to be around. But boy he has had more patience and love and forgiveness than anyone i know. Talk about Charity and Christ-like attitude. This man exemplifies the Savior. I have cried multiple times each day, but he has been there for every tear. He has rubbed my back and gotten my meds each time i've needed. He goes straight from the house to class, and then runs back home to check on me in between classes even tho he's still trying to cram in his work and school load at the same time. I feel bad, but this experience has really made him grow up quick and he's done it with flying colors. I can't say enough good things about my man, he has really pulled thru for me.
And he's not the only one... my mom has been a Huge help and support, in more than one way. She met me at the doctor today and got me the help i may have otherwise missed out on.
And from everyone else! i am really just so grateful for the concerned texts and comments and prayers... they mean a lot to mean. When you're cooped up in a bed all day it's nice to see how much people care.
So here's to hoping I get better. prayers welcomed. I guess this illness will just run its course, which hopefully won't be too much longer. Choking down crackers and water will only last so long.
all in all this experience has helped me be So grateful for my health- please protect yours. And it has made me truly admire and look up to those individuals that have to endure longer illnesses. It makes me sick (lol) to think of someone having to live this way for longer a week. What strong spirits are among us!
xoxo miss jer bree
10/27
Wow. Words cannot express my joy and gratitude today. "my cup runneth over". I feel so.much.better. So apparently it was a kidney infection, and those meds and prayers really worked!! Wow i am beyond grateful i can have my life back and wash my hair again lol. My heart truly goes out to those enduring or that have endured longer illnesses- i applaud you.
Embrace and nourish your body! you only get one!
xoxo miss jer bree
Well i fear my facebook friends are gettin real sick of seeing all my 'sick girl' pics and updates, yet i have plenty more to say. So, here we go.
Okay so it all started on Monday. I was having life anxiety about having a college degree and folding clothes for a living, not knowing where i want to go or who i want to be. So, I took a temp job in an insurance office for a day in hopes of having a follow up interview. Got there, they stuck me in tiny office with no windows or humans, reading tiny numbers and making phone calls to French people. i started making the calls, but after a while, I freaked. i began to panic. my hands started shaking. i ran to the bathroom and puked my guts out and went home thanking goodness that i would have the opportunity to fold clothes in a lively environment with music, interaction and the greatest people in the world the following day. (i don't do well in offices lacking emotional and interpersonal stimulation)
Well i went home to sleep it off, but to my surprise, woke up feeling worse. i slept thru the night, but could hardly breathe the next morning. my stomach pain was intense and i spent almost all of Tuesday in the bathroom. In fact, i've spent everyday since then the exact same way. The body aches are unforgiving and the headache- relentless. The throwing up has stayed down to once or twice a day, mainly in my throat, but i haven't been so fortunate on the other end (ew gross). I can't eat. The mere thought makes me sick. I am down to about 200 calories a day. The weird thing- i haven't had a fever, nobody around me has gotten sick (aka boyfriend), i haven't traveled out of the country or gone camping, and no... I'M NOT PREGNANT. haha if i had a dime for every time someone asked me that in the past week. i really just thought it was the stomach flu... but i can hardly move now. I went to instacare yesterday but they couldn't diagnose me so they sent me home with nausea medicine and some pedialite (sp?). I woke up worse and went to the U where they gave me Another pregnancy test (which was negative as i insisted) and hooked me up to an IV (ThrEe pokes later) to give me some fluids since i was so dehydrated. They ran some urine and blood tests that i will find out about on Monday. Doc thinks it may be a bladder or kidney infection. He put me on some meds and sent me home. Am i feeling better? more or less.
But i think this battle has been as much mental as it has been physical. First off, let's talk about everything i've missed... aka work! okay i'm not exactly financially fit these days. missing a week of work... Ouch! really not ideal. at all. Not to mention it's been an uphill battle to get my shifts covered, but i've had a lot of help at the dance studio so that is nice. Additionally, i have missed basically everything that requires leaving my bed. i lay here all day and watch tv. everytime i think i'm well enough to leave the house... i soon regret it. it's weird... when you're sick it feels like you'll Never get better. or is that just me? it feels like this is my life now- no wonder i'm depressed. i've never been sick for longer than a day or two, so this is just cramping my style.
But i have had some serious support... William has been a Saint! I don't even know where to begin. He has literally waited on me hand and foot. And since i ended up going cold turkey on my normal daily meds... i haven't exactly been the most pleasant to be around. But boy he has had more patience and love and forgiveness than anyone i know. Talk about Charity and Christ-like attitude. This man exemplifies the Savior. I have cried multiple times each day, but he has been there for every tear. He has rubbed my back and gotten my meds each time i've needed. He goes straight from the house to class, and then runs back home to check on me in between classes even tho he's still trying to cram in his work and school load at the same time. I feel bad, but this experience has really made him grow up quick and he's done it with flying colors. I can't say enough good things about my man, he has really pulled thru for me.
And he's not the only one... my mom has been a Huge help and support, in more than one way. She met me at the doctor today and got me the help i may have otherwise missed out on.
And from everyone else! i am really just so grateful for the concerned texts and comments and prayers... they mean a lot to mean. When you're cooped up in a bed all day it's nice to see how much people care.
So here's to hoping I get better. prayers welcomed. I guess this illness will just run its course, which hopefully won't be too much longer. Choking down crackers and water will only last so long.
all in all this experience has helped me be So grateful for my health- please protect yours. And it has made me truly admire and look up to those individuals that have to endure longer illnesses. It makes me sick (lol) to think of someone having to live this way for longer a week. What strong spirits are among us!
xoxo miss jer bree
10/27
Wow. Words cannot express my joy and gratitude today. "my cup runneth over". I feel so.much.better. So apparently it was a kidney infection, and those meds and prayers really worked!! Wow i am beyond grateful i can have my life back and wash my hair again lol. My heart truly goes out to those enduring or that have endured longer illnesses- i applaud you.
Embrace and nourish your body! you only get one!
xoxo miss jer bree
Monday, 17 September 2012
Picture perfect #notsomuch
...and here is what I got.
xoxo miss jer bree
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
shattered.
I have no words. To say nor to write. Thank you for all your love and support, I'm sorry for the silence. Each of these tell a part of my story, you'll get the idea...
Monday, 27 August 2012
boyfriend brag
Can i just talk about how in love i am?? of course. this is my blog lol.
I am so crazy about my William... I am SO in love with him. It is amazing how I went all my life dating a bunch of different guys and trying to decipher if one was more suitable for me than the others, then all of a sudden I meet William and BAM! game over. That was that.
I knew he was the one. No questions, no doubts... although i did manage to come up with some, I always knew he would be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. He wasn't the richest or the tallest or the most religious or the furthest in his career... but i knew he was the one i wanted to spend eternity with.
And although I may not do it a ton here... I whine a lot about my relationship. Sad, huh? I have fits about the smallest things, and nag him endlessly. I complain and talk about how sometimes I wish I were still single... well I lie. Because that is the biggest lie I have ever told. There is not a bone in my body that honesty, truly still wishes I were single.
Being in a serious relationship is the most fulfilling, sacred, humbling, enlightening, joyful thing I have ever experienced. Waking up every morning, knowing that you are somebody's world. His everything. His top priority, go-to gal, and bff. Undeniably the best feeling in the world.
Now this may seem all in line to you... but a lot of people that talk to me in person just get the drama side and the arguments and the whining about having to share music stations and give up clubbing. A lot of my single friends will look at me and think "man i'm grateful i am single". Which makes me sad and helps me realize that I am giving off the wrong impression...
I forget that they aren't there to see the way I smile at him when he holds my hand, or the way he makes me laugh. They aren't there during those intimate moments when he holds my face in his hands and tells me i'm the only one for him, or when he grabs me and pulls me in close for a kiss mid-argument. They don't know about our funny inside jokes or silly rock paper scissors kissing game. They have no clue what 'face wrestling' means to us and certainly don't know that when i tell him i hate that he grabs my booty in public... i secretly love knowing that he's proud to call me, his own.
He may not be perfect (none of us are), but he's perfect for me. Even our worst fights... our lowest lows... our darkest days have always ended in "snuggles and tisses". I hate fighting and disagreeing and trying to make relationships work and pushing thru tough times in general, but he makes it worth every effort and tear and struggle i have. I would do anything to keep him.
It's funny because I like to feel like i'm in control. Worst trait for a relationship, right? lol. Well he knows this (because he takes the time to get to know and understand me). And so lots of times we will disagree about something, like where we want to live when we're older. And of course, me feeling vulnerable and like i'm losing power, I tell him that we will just be apart because I am stubborn and I want to live where I want to live. Or sometimes he mentions wanting to do study abroad- and i'm def not havin that. We did the long distance thing- it was death. I despised every second I was apart from him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It damaged me on so many different levels. So i tell him I would never do that again. We would just have to go our separate ways...
But truth is... I would do it. I would hate it, I would kick and scream, but we would make it work. We've gone thru so much and whether it's been couples therapy, the grace of God, or a committed friend that pulled us through... we made it. So I honestly don't care what comes our way- I refuse to lose him. And I am more stubborn on that statement than anything else. I am just grateful that he feels the same way- he worked so hard to get me, and will do anything to keep me. Because honestly, a relationship takes, more than anything, 2 determined people that are willing... willing to struggle and endure and forgive each other every second of every day, because those intimate moments when he kisses my forehead and thanks God that I came into his life... make it all worth it.
Another example is marriage. I want to marry him. Now. Today. This very second. I'm ready. I know he is the one. The tax break would be nice. The wedding- phenomenal. Let's go! hahaha but he isn't so sold on the timing. So when we talk about it- i like to say "If you don't marry me in the next year, then I am going to go find someone else". (trying to feel all hard core and in control). But then he asks me if I want him... or if i just want a wedding... and mentions that it may be 2 or 3 years before he feels it is suitable timing for a marriage. I get so mad, and throw my threats at him again.
But truth is... I would stay with him unmarried for 50 years if it meant i could just stay.with.him. (shh don't tell him that) I would kick and scream... but I would make it work. Because my love for him knows no temporal, materialistic, conditional, or tangible end. It just doesn't. (But thank goodness he doesn't want to wait that long). haha.
So lately I have a lot of people asking me why we are not taking the marriage plunge. And although I claim to be ready for marriage right now... we both agree that waiting a little while can only make us more ready and more in love. So here is why we choose to wait...
*We are young, so young. He just turned 21, and i'm only 22. (which is like 34 in mormon years... but so what). We are still changing and figuring out who we want to be and what we want to do with our lives. Right now, we are able to do that together, but still have wiggle room on our own. It is easier to figure how to change together when you're not being shoved under the same roof, down each others throats 24/7. No pressure, just exploration- hand in hand. Also- he wants to be done with his undergrad degree when we get married. I'm less sold on this idea, but if it makes him feel more ready and capable of nurturing his marriage, then by all means- i will foster that inner, patient-jerica that doesn't exist, and I will wait. haha.
*My family history... not the best record when it comes to marriages lol. I've experienced a few divorces first-hand, which makes me susceptible to falling into one myself. Research says that the longer I date before marriage, the lower my chances of divorce are. (within reason, of course) Longer courtship improves marriage success rates in general. Again, within reason.
*We love dating. We've lived together before- when I would go stay out in Malibu. Loved it. It was great. But what we love even more is being able to have a good time, and not have to go home and talk/argue about dishes or bills or who will make the bed. Those will all come in due time, but not now. We love that we can fight, go home to our separate houses, take some time to think about things, then call each other up and apologize and say how much we already miss the other person. This, we feel, is a much more efficient way to learn relationships (having experienced both ways), and we have much to learn.
I compare 'learning to be in a relationship' to 'learning how to swim'... Right now, we are in the kiddie pool learning how to swim. It is good and still a challenge, but we are learning. Getting married right now would be like throwing us into the rapids- where it is much harder to learn because you are merely trying to survive, not strive.
Skiing too- the longer you spend on the bunny slope and slowly progress up, the better end result you will have. But, if like me, you went on the big slopes for your first day of learning, you will simply crash and end up with a lot of blood and very little learning... like I did. So, no rush haha. We will know when we are ready and want to take that plunge, but right now- we Love dating each other!!
And don't get me wrong- I know that marriage is dating... times a bajillion. I have been told and have seen how incredible it can be when done right. So that is what we are trying to strive for... but let's be honest. Some days I just want a big huge wedding and a cute lil' blog that says "The Johnson's" hahahaha.
xoxo miss jer bree
I am so crazy about my William... I am SO in love with him. It is amazing how I went all my life dating a bunch of different guys and trying to decipher if one was more suitable for me than the others, then all of a sudden I meet William and BAM! game over. That was that.
I knew he was the one. No questions, no doubts... although i did manage to come up with some, I always knew he would be the one I'd spend the rest of my life with. He wasn't the richest or the tallest or the most religious or the furthest in his career... but i knew he was the one i wanted to spend eternity with.
And although I may not do it a ton here... I whine a lot about my relationship. Sad, huh? I have fits about the smallest things, and nag him endlessly. I complain and talk about how sometimes I wish I were still single... well I lie. Because that is the biggest lie I have ever told. There is not a bone in my body that honesty, truly still wishes I were single.
Being in a serious relationship is the most fulfilling, sacred, humbling, enlightening, joyful thing I have ever experienced. Waking up every morning, knowing that you are somebody's world. His everything. His top priority, go-to gal, and bff. Undeniably the best feeling in the world.
Now this may seem all in line to you... but a lot of people that talk to me in person just get the drama side and the arguments and the whining about having to share music stations and give up clubbing. A lot of my single friends will look at me and think "man i'm grateful i am single". Which makes me sad and helps me realize that I am giving off the wrong impression...
I forget that they aren't there to see the way I smile at him when he holds my hand, or the way he makes me laugh. They aren't there during those intimate moments when he holds my face in his hands and tells me i'm the only one for him, or when he grabs me and pulls me in close for a kiss mid-argument. They don't know about our funny inside jokes or silly rock paper scissors kissing game. They have no clue what 'face wrestling' means to us and certainly don't know that when i tell him i hate that he grabs my booty in public... i secretly love knowing that he's proud to call me, his own.
He may not be perfect (none of us are), but he's perfect for me. Even our worst fights... our lowest lows... our darkest days have always ended in "snuggles and tisses". I hate fighting and disagreeing and trying to make relationships work and pushing thru tough times in general, but he makes it worth every effort and tear and struggle i have. I would do anything to keep him.
It's funny because I like to feel like i'm in control. Worst trait for a relationship, right? lol. Well he knows this (because he takes the time to get to know and understand me). And so lots of times we will disagree about something, like where we want to live when we're older. And of course, me feeling vulnerable and like i'm losing power, I tell him that we will just be apart because I am stubborn and I want to live where I want to live. Or sometimes he mentions wanting to do study abroad- and i'm def not havin that. We did the long distance thing- it was death. I despised every second I was apart from him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It damaged me on so many different levels. So i tell him I would never do that again. We would just have to go our separate ways...
But truth is... I would do it. I would hate it, I would kick and scream, but we would make it work. We've gone thru so much and whether it's been couples therapy, the grace of God, or a committed friend that pulled us through... we made it. So I honestly don't care what comes our way- I refuse to lose him. And I am more stubborn on that statement than anything else. I am just grateful that he feels the same way- he worked so hard to get me, and will do anything to keep me. Because honestly, a relationship takes, more than anything, 2 determined people that are willing... willing to struggle and endure and forgive each other every second of every day, because those intimate moments when he kisses my forehead and thanks God that I came into his life... make it all worth it.
Another example is marriage. I want to marry him. Now. Today. This very second. I'm ready. I know he is the one. The tax break would be nice. The wedding- phenomenal. Let's go! hahaha but he isn't so sold on the timing. So when we talk about it- i like to say "If you don't marry me in the next year, then I am going to go find someone else". (trying to feel all hard core and in control). But then he asks me if I want him... or if i just want a wedding... and mentions that it may be 2 or 3 years before he feels it is suitable timing for a marriage. I get so mad, and throw my threats at him again.
But truth is... I would stay with him unmarried for 50 years if it meant i could just stay.with.him. (shh don't tell him that) I would kick and scream... but I would make it work. Because my love for him knows no temporal, materialistic, conditional, or tangible end. It just doesn't. (But thank goodness he doesn't want to wait that long). haha.
So lately I have a lot of people asking me why we are not taking the marriage plunge. And although I claim to be ready for marriage right now... we both agree that waiting a little while can only make us more ready and more in love. So here is why we choose to wait...
*We are young, so young. He just turned 21, and i'm only 22. (which is like 34 in mormon years... but so what). We are still changing and figuring out who we want to be and what we want to do with our lives. Right now, we are able to do that together, but still have wiggle room on our own. It is easier to figure how to change together when you're not being shoved under the same roof, down each others throats 24/7. No pressure, just exploration- hand in hand. Also- he wants to be done with his undergrad degree when we get married. I'm less sold on this idea, but if it makes him feel more ready and capable of nurturing his marriage, then by all means- i will foster that inner, patient-jerica that doesn't exist, and I will wait. haha.
*My family history... not the best record when it comes to marriages lol. I've experienced a few divorces first-hand, which makes me susceptible to falling into one myself. Research says that the longer I date before marriage, the lower my chances of divorce are. (within reason, of course) Longer courtship improves marriage success rates in general. Again, within reason.
*We love dating. We've lived together before- when I would go stay out in Malibu. Loved it. It was great. But what we love even more is being able to have a good time, and not have to go home and talk/argue about dishes or bills or who will make the bed. Those will all come in due time, but not now. We love that we can fight, go home to our separate houses, take some time to think about things, then call each other up and apologize and say how much we already miss the other person. This, we feel, is a much more efficient way to learn relationships (having experienced both ways), and we have much to learn.
I compare 'learning to be in a relationship' to 'learning how to swim'... Right now, we are in the kiddie pool learning how to swim. It is good and still a challenge, but we are learning. Getting married right now would be like throwing us into the rapids- where it is much harder to learn because you are merely trying to survive, not strive.
Skiing too- the longer you spend on the bunny slope and slowly progress up, the better end result you will have. But, if like me, you went on the big slopes for your first day of learning, you will simply crash and end up with a lot of blood and very little learning... like I did. So, no rush haha. We will know when we are ready and want to take that plunge, but right now- we Love dating each other!!
And don't get me wrong- I know that marriage is dating... times a bajillion. I have been told and have seen how incredible it can be when done right. So that is what we are trying to strive for... but let's be honest. Some days I just want a big huge wedding and a cute lil' blog that says "The Johnson's" hahahaha.
xoxo miss jer bree
Monday, 20 August 2012
Bye Summer... Hope ya find your dad.
Well apparently Summer is over, but it never really came for me. I
guess such is life when you're an adult. Don't get me wrong, there were
moments when it totally felt like Summer, but these were few and far
between. Here are a few of them: late night star gazing, twilight
concert series, arts festival, evening walks, and a few trips to the
pool. But, the bulk of my Summer has been spent... figuring out how to
have a relationship (which is more of a journey than a destination),
finding a job and working lots, lamenting the move from Malibu,
attempting to rediscover my passion in life and set worthy goals to give
me a sense of direction, trying to figure out how the heck Independent
Study classes work so I can actually get my degree, and moving
everything I own out of my parents house. Fun, right? haha I mean i
can't really complain- having Hayes here is such a huge blessing. But, I
will always say that every blessing comes with its set of curses.
Allow me to elaborate.
I've never had a "real" relationship. Allow me to elaborate and avoid any offense I may have just caused- I have never had a relationship that has had an actual, proximal chance of ending in... ya know... the "M" word. I mean anything before college was... before college. And everything in college was... in college lol. But now shiz got real. And i'm as unprepared as ever. Let's look at some factors that i believe contribute to this unpreparedness...
First, I was raised by a single mom. She had her house the way she wanted it and we ate what she wanted when she wanted to make it listening to her music having everything look the way she preferred.
Second, I was an only child. I didn't share a crumb. I had my own room, my own mom, my own toys and tapes and everything else I owned- all mine.
Third, as previously mentioned, I've never had a "real" relationship (by my definition of it having actual/proximal chance for "M"). If things went wrong in my old relationships, it wasn't too big of a deal. Either because I was young and self-consumed anyway, or I was old and still, self-consumed. Not in a selfish way, but in a- 'You may be gone tomorrow, i'm too young for the 'm' word, and my school matters most' way. Well then I graduated.... #gamechanger.
And, against my initial will, I am in a relationship. Oh, you didn't know that? Yeah... I wasn't the biggest fan of commitment. At all. Ever. I mean maybe to a certain degree... but once you commit to someone you're in it, and if you screw something up, it no longer just effects you. Not to mention- you are paying the price for all their bad decisions as well (this ends happy, i promise). So anyway, I didn't want to deal with that my senior year of college. I was young and wild and free, and didn't want the pressure of a real relationship. But, a certain young man just thought I might be worth it... and he challenged me to take the plunge into commitment (after I had already severed it between us once before). Wow- what a crazy dude! I had showed my inability to be in a real relationship once by destroying his heart and contributing to one of his biggest life trials, but yet he wanted to give it another try. Initially, I said no. (why am i telling you this story? ...oh well). But after I hung up the phone and talked to Britt roommie who asked me to wake up and smell the roses... I realized that this was my big chance to change my ways and start going down the path that I saw myself on in 10 years. And, although it scared my damaged heart to death, i took the leap and let myself be truly vulnerable for the first time.
It was scary, but we made it work. It was hard, and the distance didn't help. Or did it? God only knows. He's running this show anyway. But we pushed through and Hayes finally moved here. And boy was that a challenge and a half. I've never had so many emotions surge thru my body in such little time. I loved him one day then hated him the next- and I'm not exactly one to hide how i'm feeling (unfortunately or fortunately). There were a few other stress factors playing a part at this time, but all around it was just a wreck. Me trying to harmonize my independent, crazy free soul with my love and dedication to him- yikes. I ended up falling to one extreme or the other, but thankfully after about a month or so, reconciliation began (which again, is a journey- not a destination). And so things got better and now we are just crazy in love and never argue a single breath. jk. I would hate that. Because either we'd both given up or the passion is dead- either of which lead to a bummer relationship.
Anyway... back to my numbered list of reasons I am no good in relationships (single mom, only child). As silly as it sounds, it is so hard for me to learn how to share. How to share time, attention, interests, families, friends, food, tv channels, radio stations... oh radio stations. That has honestly been the root of more fights than anything else I know (although I am convinced it is solely because of the type and shadow it represents).
I don't like listening to his music. I just don't like it. So why would I? I don't like hanging out with His friends, so why would I? I don't like eating his type of food, so why would I?
I'll tell you why... because life is so much more enjoyable when I have him by my side. And I will do anything to keep him there. So I guess I'll set my last preset to 80's rock, and i actually really like his friends, mexican food isn't so bad, and another episode of Pawn Stars couldn't hurt.
And here is the ironic thing... ask me why i love him? Okay, i'll tell you. Because he's everything i'm Not. He is the exact opposite of me... in personality, style, interests, preferences, perspectives etc. Yet I get mad when we do too much of 'his' stuff. The stuff that makes him who he is... the man i love so much. So... i have tried to embrace the differences and appreciate the opposite-ness (God bless our children).
Well... now that that's been said lol. I really don't have any other updates.
Dance started back up! Oh what a blessing that has been in my life throughout the years. That is my safe haven... my happy place. I don't know what I would do without my dancers- they mean the world to me. I can't wait for this year- it is going to be amazing.
I am also applying to grad school. So yeah there ya have it.
xoxo miss jer bree
I've never had a "real" relationship. Allow me to elaborate and avoid any offense I may have just caused- I have never had a relationship that has had an actual, proximal chance of ending in... ya know... the "M" word. I mean anything before college was... before college. And everything in college was... in college lol. But now shiz got real. And i'm as unprepared as ever. Let's look at some factors that i believe contribute to this unpreparedness...
First, I was raised by a single mom. She had her house the way she wanted it and we ate what she wanted when she wanted to make it listening to her music having everything look the way she preferred.
Second, I was an only child. I didn't share a crumb. I had my own room, my own mom, my own toys and tapes and everything else I owned- all mine.
Third, as previously mentioned, I've never had a "real" relationship (by my definition of it having actual/proximal chance for "M"). If things went wrong in my old relationships, it wasn't too big of a deal. Either because I was young and self-consumed anyway, or I was old and still, self-consumed. Not in a selfish way, but in a- 'You may be gone tomorrow, i'm too young for the 'm' word, and my school matters most' way. Well then I graduated.... #gamechanger.
And, against my initial will, I am in a relationship. Oh, you didn't know that? Yeah... I wasn't the biggest fan of commitment. At all. Ever. I mean maybe to a certain degree... but once you commit to someone you're in it, and if you screw something up, it no longer just effects you. Not to mention- you are paying the price for all their bad decisions as well (this ends happy, i promise). So anyway, I didn't want to deal with that my senior year of college. I was young and wild and free, and didn't want the pressure of a real relationship. But, a certain young man just thought I might be worth it... and he challenged me to take the plunge into commitment (after I had already severed it between us once before). Wow- what a crazy dude! I had showed my inability to be in a real relationship once by destroying his heart and contributing to one of his biggest life trials, but yet he wanted to give it another try. Initially, I said no. (why am i telling you this story? ...oh well). But after I hung up the phone and talked to Britt roommie who asked me to wake up and smell the roses... I realized that this was my big chance to change my ways and start going down the path that I saw myself on in 10 years. And, although it scared my damaged heart to death, i took the leap and let myself be truly vulnerable for the first time.
It was scary, but we made it work. It was hard, and the distance didn't help. Or did it? God only knows. He's running this show anyway. But we pushed through and Hayes finally moved here. And boy was that a challenge and a half. I've never had so many emotions surge thru my body in such little time. I loved him one day then hated him the next- and I'm not exactly one to hide how i'm feeling (unfortunately or fortunately). There were a few other stress factors playing a part at this time, but all around it was just a wreck. Me trying to harmonize my independent, crazy free soul with my love and dedication to him- yikes. I ended up falling to one extreme or the other, but thankfully after about a month or so, reconciliation began (which again, is a journey- not a destination). And so things got better and now we are just crazy in love and never argue a single breath. jk. I would hate that. Because either we'd both given up or the passion is dead- either of which lead to a bummer relationship.
Anyway... back to my numbered list of reasons I am no good in relationships (single mom, only child). As silly as it sounds, it is so hard for me to learn how to share. How to share time, attention, interests, families, friends, food, tv channels, radio stations... oh radio stations. That has honestly been the root of more fights than anything else I know (although I am convinced it is solely because of the type and shadow it represents).
I don't like listening to his music. I just don't like it. So why would I? I don't like hanging out with His friends, so why would I? I don't like eating his type of food, so why would I?
I'll tell you why... because life is so much more enjoyable when I have him by my side. And I will do anything to keep him there. So I guess I'll set my last preset to 80's rock, and i actually really like his friends, mexican food isn't so bad, and another episode of Pawn Stars couldn't hurt.
And here is the ironic thing... ask me why i love him? Okay, i'll tell you. Because he's everything i'm Not. He is the exact opposite of me... in personality, style, interests, preferences, perspectives etc. Yet I get mad when we do too much of 'his' stuff. The stuff that makes him who he is... the man i love so much. So... i have tried to embrace the differences and appreciate the opposite-ness (God bless our children).
Well... now that that's been said lol. I really don't have any other updates.
Dance started back up! Oh what a blessing that has been in my life throughout the years. That is my safe haven... my happy place. I don't know what I would do without my dancers- they mean the world to me. I can't wait for this year- it is going to be amazing.
I am also applying to grad school. So yeah there ya have it.
xoxo miss jer bree
What he Doesn't do.
A lot of girls love their men because of all the great things they do... but i love mine for the many things he Doesn't do...
*He doesn't yell at me. He doesn't lose his patience or temper with me. Ever.
*He doesn't give up on me, no matter how many times i push him to, because times get tough. He refuses.
*He doesn't become complacent. I hear about relationships growing dull and monotonous, but not so with him. He still acts like it's our first day together and gives me just as many kisses and compliments.
*He doesn't need to be told more than once. If i ever express a need, it is fulfilled.
*He doesn't change who he is. He stays true to his personality despite what the world and others pressure him to do.
*He doesn't get sick of me.
*He doesn't let me get away with everything.
*He doesn't sweat the small things.
*He doesn't have to get his way to be happy.
*He doesn't let me go un-held.
*He doesn't stay mad or hold grudges.
*He doesn't just watch me cry, he embraces me and wipes the tears even if it's mid- fight, or worse, mid-movie lol.
*He doesn't judge me. Ever. For anything. (and trust me- there is plenty to judge)
*He doesn't have double standards.
*He doesn't look at other girls.
*He doesn't disrespect his family.
*He doesn't dwell on the negative.
*He doesn't care what other people think.
*He doesn't mind losing a night (or fifty) of sleep for me...
*He doesn't try to change me.
*He doesn't act impulsively or get irrational.
*He doesn't spend his money frivolously.
*He doesn't do the gossip thing. Or the drama.
*He doesn't mind working hard.
*He doesn't get to obsessed or consumed with things.
*He doesn't leave service unserved.
*He doesn't use guilt on people.
*He doesn't let others dictate his life.
*He doesn't ever stop loving me.
xoxo miss jer bree
*He doesn't yell at me. He doesn't lose his patience or temper with me. Ever.
*He doesn't give up on me, no matter how many times i push him to, because times get tough. He refuses.
*He doesn't become complacent. I hear about relationships growing dull and monotonous, but not so with him. He still acts like it's our first day together and gives me just as many kisses and compliments.
*He doesn't need to be told more than once. If i ever express a need, it is fulfilled.
*He doesn't change who he is. He stays true to his personality despite what the world and others pressure him to do.
*He doesn't get sick of me.
*He doesn't let me get away with everything.
*He doesn't sweat the small things.
*He doesn't have to get his way to be happy.
*He doesn't let me go un-held.
*He doesn't stay mad or hold grudges.
*He doesn't just watch me cry, he embraces me and wipes the tears even if it's mid- fight, or worse, mid-movie lol.
*He doesn't judge me. Ever. For anything. (and trust me- there is plenty to judge)
*He doesn't have double standards.
*He doesn't look at other girls.
*He doesn't disrespect his family.
*He doesn't dwell on the negative.
*He doesn't care what other people think.
*He doesn't mind losing a night (or fifty) of sleep for me...
*He doesn't try to change me.
*He doesn't act impulsively or get irrational.
*He doesn't spend his money frivolously.
*He doesn't do the gossip thing. Or the drama.
*He doesn't mind working hard.
*He doesn't get to obsessed or consumed with things.
*He doesn't leave service unserved.
*He doesn't use guilt on people.
*He doesn't let others dictate his life.
*He doesn't ever stop loving me.
xoxo miss jer bree
Monday, 18 June 2012
Post grad life- is there one??
I have an interview tomorrow morning and i've already taken my sleep pills... so it seems like pretty appropriate timing to blog haha.
So hey. I graduated. Well kinda. I walked in graduation ceremonies, but I haven't actually received the degree. I have a few small independent study classes to brush out of the way, and then they will give me that gosh forsaken piece of paper.
I moved home. That has been a joke and a half. Just kidding. Kinda. My mom is fantastic, and so is the stepdad, but parents are still parents and if you live at home... well. You live at home.
Can someone just please tell me where this yellow brick road is? I've been looking for it and asking all the tin-lookin men, but can't seem to find it. I thought that after graduation, I would be carried away by a sparkling blurb, strong enough to hold my weight and whisk me away into pretty-looking nothingness as i gently wave my glittering wand at the lovely looking midgets below me, squeaking my beautiful name in highest admiration. ummm what? didn't happen. not even close. (i'm sick of pushing shift, so let us just cope with the lower case for now).
My life up to this point has been a marathon. I've passed people, and people have passed me. I've helped others, and others have lifted me. I've learned and grown and struggled along the way, but I just kept pushing. And finally, in April, I reached the finish line. But then what? I collapsed and drank some water and looked around to see people expecting me to stand back up, and walk away. But toward what? Nobody told me that there was life after the finish line. I never even thought about it, as silly as it sounds. I just assumed i would be married (the boyfriend and i are not rushing into that anytime soon) or have a job lined up (and magically appear off the magnificent job tree that everyone Doesn't talk about). But instead- i entered a great state of what we will call 'lost'- for lack of a deeper term.
I couldn't find a job. Anywhere. I was out of school. Living with my parents. And that wasn't going so hott. My mom and i love like sisters, and fight like them as well. One day i was being a total beezy and i overheard her tell my stepdad that 'if she is so unhappy here then maybe she should just move out to Malibu and be with her boyfriend'...
Jumped on a plane the next day.
Malibu was good. But it didn't deem me any less 'lost'. It was nice to run away for a month or so, but I knew about the nothingness that awaited me at home, and nothing stressed me out more! Nonetheless, it waited for me. Oh so patiently. And I came home to it...
Hayes (boyfriend) moved here a week ago. Yeah- let's change the subject and talk about that. It was an interesting change. We talked about it with our therapist before we left Cali, but it still proved rocky at first. You have to understand that the only thing i knew in our relationship was the long distance dynamic. When we were together, we were inseparable. And when we were apart, we were untouchable (like i literally could not touch him. 2 states away). That's all I had known. So now you try and guess what happened when he moved here. I had a few theories, one of which played out.
I clung. I clung to him for dear life since the second he stepped foot in the state. I spent every waking second with him. For days. He tried to get me to go home (for the mere reason of my mother threatening me with my life and me not having changed clothes or showered for days), but i freaked. I panicked, and he held me for yet another night. It was so unhealthy. And all this together time, discombobulated, high stress situation provided for many angry words. My emotions were on crack- holy hot mess. So finally, I found the courage to choose to leave him, and trust that he would be there in the morning. It was one of the hardest things i've done. don't judge me. I was convinced he'd be gone come sunrise. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't sleep. Attachment issues, much? I don't know if its from my dad, or just the nature of Hayes' and I relationship, but it was bad.
But guess what... after that one rough night, it was fine. I was fine, he was fine. We were fine. And we've been in pure bliss ever since. It is just the coolest thing to have a boyfriend. Here. In the flesh. If i need a hug its like "ring ring oh hey boyfriend i'm at your house so can you come give me a hug". So great. No more skype. Wait- what? NO MORE SKYPEEE!!! wow. wohowww. sleepy pills are setting in.
Anyway. I gotta end this quick or i'll be misusing 'your' all over the place. I still feel a little lost. But I got a job or two, have another interview tomorrow, have an amazing wonderful boyfriend that loves me, live at home for free, and really need to get my butt in gear with these IS classes. I will have them finished by August. At which point I want to do hair school at Gemini Salon. Then go to grad school and get my LCSW. Yeah mmmk so we will go with that for now. And i've gotten fat. So that's nice. Well sweet dreeeeeaaammsss i'm sleepy out!
xxoo miss jer bree
So hey. I graduated. Well kinda. I walked in graduation ceremonies, but I haven't actually received the degree. I have a few small independent study classes to brush out of the way, and then they will give me that gosh forsaken piece of paper.
I moved home. That has been a joke and a half. Just kidding. Kinda. My mom is fantastic, and so is the stepdad, but parents are still parents and if you live at home... well. You live at home.
Can someone just please tell me where this yellow brick road is? I've been looking for it and asking all the tin-lookin men, but can't seem to find it. I thought that after graduation, I would be carried away by a sparkling blurb, strong enough to hold my weight and whisk me away into pretty-looking nothingness as i gently wave my glittering wand at the lovely looking midgets below me, squeaking my beautiful name in highest admiration. ummm what? didn't happen. not even close. (i'm sick of pushing shift, so let us just cope with the lower case for now).
My life up to this point has been a marathon. I've passed people, and people have passed me. I've helped others, and others have lifted me. I've learned and grown and struggled along the way, but I just kept pushing. And finally, in April, I reached the finish line. But then what? I collapsed and drank some water and looked around to see people expecting me to stand back up, and walk away. But toward what? Nobody told me that there was life after the finish line. I never even thought about it, as silly as it sounds. I just assumed i would be married (the boyfriend and i are not rushing into that anytime soon) or have a job lined up (and magically appear off the magnificent job tree that everyone Doesn't talk about). But instead- i entered a great state of what we will call 'lost'- for lack of a deeper term.
I couldn't find a job. Anywhere. I was out of school. Living with my parents. And that wasn't going so hott. My mom and i love like sisters, and fight like them as well. One day i was being a total beezy and i overheard her tell my stepdad that 'if she is so unhappy here then maybe she should just move out to Malibu and be with her boyfriend'...
Jumped on a plane the next day.
Malibu was good. But it didn't deem me any less 'lost'. It was nice to run away for a month or so, but I knew about the nothingness that awaited me at home, and nothing stressed me out more! Nonetheless, it waited for me. Oh so patiently. And I came home to it...
Hayes (boyfriend) moved here a week ago. Yeah- let's change the subject and talk about that. It was an interesting change. We talked about it with our therapist before we left Cali, but it still proved rocky at first. You have to understand that the only thing i knew in our relationship was the long distance dynamic. When we were together, we were inseparable. And when we were apart, we were untouchable (like i literally could not touch him. 2 states away). That's all I had known. So now you try and guess what happened when he moved here. I had a few theories, one of which played out.
I clung. I clung to him for dear life since the second he stepped foot in the state. I spent every waking second with him. For days. He tried to get me to go home (for the mere reason of my mother threatening me with my life and me not having changed clothes or showered for days), but i freaked. I panicked, and he held me for yet another night. It was so unhealthy. And all this together time, discombobulated, high stress situation provided for many angry words. My emotions were on crack- holy hot mess. So finally, I found the courage to choose to leave him, and trust that he would be there in the morning. It was one of the hardest things i've done. don't judge me. I was convinced he'd be gone come sunrise. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't sleep. Attachment issues, much? I don't know if its from my dad, or just the nature of Hayes' and I relationship, but it was bad.
But guess what... after that one rough night, it was fine. I was fine, he was fine. We were fine. And we've been in pure bliss ever since. It is just the coolest thing to have a boyfriend. Here. In the flesh. If i need a hug its like "ring ring oh hey boyfriend i'm at your house
Anyway. I gotta end this quick or i'll be misusing 'your' all over the place. I still feel a little lost. But I got a job or two, have another interview tomorrow, have an amazing wonderful boyfriend that loves me, live at home for free, and really need to get my butt in gear with these IS classes. I will have them finished by August. At which point I want to do hair school at Gemini Salon. Then go to grad school and get my LCSW. Yeah mmmk so we will go with that for now. And i've gotten fat. So that's nice. Well sweet dreeeeeaaammsss i'm sleepy out!
xxoo miss jer bree
Friday, 18 May 2012
Distance makes the heart grow fonder... kinda...
"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."
It's 4am and I just got off of the phone with him. I had another panic and, as always, he was there to answer the call- even if it was in the middle of the night and he's needing his sleep because he's been sick all week.
This is my life. Welcome. haha. I am always posting about "5 more days til Malibu!" or "I can't wait to see my boy again!" But what I don't post is the long months in between some visits where we are both working our tails off to earn enough money to buy a single plane ticket. That's what we live and work for right now- plane tickets. But people don't see that. They see the cute beach pictures and the fun times, but they don't see the long nights of tears and loneliness in between.
I know this is weird to think about and hard to believe, but I have never lived in the same state as my boyfriend and we have been together for almost a year now, minus a few months in between. We did spend 3 weeks together once, and that was just amazing. People think I'm crazy for spending all my money on plane tickets (i agree), but when you're in love, there is no other choice. I live my life by 2 sayings: "follow your heart" and "no regrets", and it has worked out pretty well for me. Life is too short to Not spend it with the one you love.
People also wonder how we do it. Well- we both work. A lot. Last semester I carried 2 jobs while going to school full time, sometimes 3. And he works 40+ hours a week to make sure that if I ever have an 'episode', we can afford to get a ticket. It is rough. It is very rough. It has been the cause of many emotional meltdowns for me, and he has been there for every single one. I literally tell him on a daily basis how much i 'hate this', but even after hearing that for hundreds of days in a row, he still gives the validation and sympathy i need, (as if it's not hard for him, too). I don't exactly have the personality type for a long distance relationship. At all. My love language is physical touch- that right there is the first problem. I am also a very in-the-moment present-time person. Another restraint. But like the quote says, I know that he is my one and only and so we make it work.
And can i please tell you how amazing he is? Honestly- it takes a saint to put up with what he has had to handle, and I don't think he gets enough credit. This long distance thing really takes a toll. He is just grateful to have me, and our nightly chats are good enough for him, but I require much much more. And sometimes, it gets to be far too much to handle for me. Being in love and finding your other half, yet sitting home alone on weekends and going to church by yourself and movies with the gals, only to come home and skype him- torture. It's like 'oh! here is your soulmate- but you can only have him in a computer screen and every few weekends in person, but other than that you have to know you're in a relationship while living in a single girl lifestyle.' ....not ideal. And it causes a lot of stress and strain on me, that then enters the relationship and causes fights or arguments because, although the situation is the root of the problem, i incessantly take it out on him. And he takes it. Like a champ. Like a boss.
Lots of nights I have my 'episodes' and I freak out and I don't know what to do so I jump to the most obvious, yet ineffective solution- a break up. Then five minutes go by (if not less) and i realize that my solution has nothing to do with the problem at hand, and only makes it worse, so i call him back in tears and beg him to take me back. And, like the wonderful man he is, he does. But unfortunately, a few hours go by, and I forget what I had just learned.
It used to be bad. I used to have 'freak outs' or 'break ups' on a daily basis. It is hard for me and I struggled with it for a long time, but thanks to weeks of therapy, nightly scriptures with him, lots of prayer, and the most patient, selfless, forgiving loving man in the world- we're down to once a week! haha. I wish I was joking, and I know this sounds absurd. But just try to put yourself in my shoes. I am torn, I really am. I have dissonance lots of times and as demonstrative as it sounds- i crave harmony. And even tho my go-to 'solution' never gives me this harmony, it always looks like it will. He's adopted the third eye blind motto of 'i'm not listening when you say goodbye'. haha.
So this is my trial. One year, two states away. I can't go over to his house and hang out. I can't call him up when I need someone to go to a concert with. I can't ask him to come over because i just need a hug. All i can do is get on that dang computer and let him talk me out of my crazy ways while i sob continually and give the webcam random kisses. Yes- we are one of those. He'll even hug his laptop to give me the vicarious feeling i'm being held. Pathetic? maybe. But all judgment aside- it works. And right now we've just got to do what we can to get thru this time apart.
I can't decide if it has gotten harder or easier with time. I say easier because we (I- he has always been good at it) have gotten better at it, but harder because each day we grow closer yet the distance remains. And until one of us can afford a plane ticket- there it stays.
Now, i know i am blessed. I really am. Many are away from their loved ones that are on missions or in the armed forces- but I could honestly never do that, so I would never put myself in that situation. My heart really goes out to those that have lost their significant others to death- that I cannot even fathom. I am blessed. To have found my other half- a Godsend in itself. And to be able to fly to Malibu every so often- talk about paradise. But we would both trade that paradise in a heartbeat to be together- and that is what we'll do.
26 more days! 26 26 26!!! 26 days until he moves here. I cannot express to you my joy. I am beyond excited to start my life with him. To just 'hang out' with him, not on a quick weekend trip or over a laptop screen but in real life, on a day-to-day basis. That's what we always say- "i can't wait to hang out with you!" Because honestly- it is the simple things like that that we look forward to. I'm convinced that our fighting will cease- for the distance is all we fight about anyway-kinda lol. (But let's be honest- i'm sure we'll find something new to argue so we can still have make-up make-outs) haha. tmi??
Anyway. I just thought I might share the other side to this love story that nobody gets to see. The long, tear-filled nights like this one. Where I lie awake craving for his touch- his hand on my face, his sweet lips on my cheek, anything. I just want to hold his hand- to give him a hug. I would give anything. But this is my trial and so I will try to endure it well and look at the 26-day light at the end of the tunnel. I will count my blessings and focus on the good. He gets paid tomorrow- and luckily, if its a sufficient amount, I will get to see him in ten days! It has almost been a month and i'm dyyying haha. But in the end, he makes it worth every impatient breath and lonely tear. After all- he is my better half. ;)
xoxo miss jer bree
Friday, 30 March 2012
Why i'm with him...
There are a million fish in the sea, but only 1 that is for me!
Haha warning: cheesy post ahead.
Okay so let's be real, I have dated my fair share of men. I have had a plentiful amount of guy friends. And the ncmo's are innumerable. So then- how, you ask, did I finally end up with this one? I would Love to tell you.
Is our relationship perfect? Far from it. I'm not going to try and make you believe i'm living a fairytale, because sometimes it has its nightmare moments. But there are reasons why i'm with him... reasons that out number any reason i could/would ever be without him. Reasons that we are coming up on our 10 month... minus a few in between lol.
Haha warning: cheesy post ahead.
Okay so let's be real, I have dated my fair share of men. I have had a plentiful amount of guy friends. And the ncmo's are innumerable. So then- how, you ask, did I finally end up with this one? I would Love to tell you.
Is our relationship perfect? Far from it. I'm not going to try and make you believe i'm living a fairytale, because sometimes it has its nightmare moments. But there are reasons why i'm with him... reasons that out number any reason i could/would ever be without him. Reasons that we are coming up on our 10 month... minus a few in between lol.
So here are a few of them:
*We make-up more often than we fight.
*We never go to bed mad.
*He can keep up with me. I have never found a guy that can do this. But not only can he keep up with me. He has taken the time to learn... well, me. My ways, my quirks, my strengths, my weaknesses, my insecurities, my habits. And he has learned how to work with them- insomuch that he can now end a 'Jerica-freak out irrational break-up attempt' within a record speed of 5 minutes. I still don't know how he does it, but he does it. He has a calming effect over me that is only comparable to that of my mom and my bff's. That, my friends, is impressive.
*His patience and forgiveness. I am not exactly a relational person when it comes to guys. My internal working model is extremely messed up, and this whole relationship thing has been a rollercoaster of me trying to figure out how it is done. I have made many mistakes along the way, but he has stuck with me thru it. He is the only man that has cared enough to take the time and accept the risks of entering a long-term relationship with me. I have the hardest time being vulnerable, trusting men, and committing, but he was willing to take a chance on me.
*He knows what I want, but then he knows what I really want. And he focuses on the latter, even when it conflicts with the first.
*He doesn't hold grudges. Ever.
*His optimism. Blows me away.
*He accepts me. In all my craziness, and even thru stability (which is sometimes harder because it is more rare) haha.
*We change together. Sometimes I decide that I don't want to be a diva, I want to act homeless. And sometimes he decides he doesn't want to be a lawyer, he wants to be a therapist instead. But we both embrace each other and our curve-ball changes.
*He 'gets' me.
*I can tell him anything. I don't think he could judge someone if he tried.
*He reminds me not to be too hard on myself. If I had to pick somebody else to be 'me', it would be him.
*He is a man of his word. He is honest and trustworthy- and talk about work ethic.
*He is willing to compromise. I could never be with a stubborn man. And the more he compromises for me, the more I desire to compromise for him.
*His humility. Many many times, he is the first to apologize. Even when he has done nothing wrong. And he is willing to work on things and change for the better, which helps me to do the same.
*His selflessness. Even when he has needs, he puts them aside to focus on mine (even when they are much less important than his). i.e. losing sleep to listen to me vent about my nail polish.
*He knows when to say no to me. He can deliver the most loving, yet assertive messages. It amazes me, and keeps me from getting defensive.
*His sense of humor. Key in our relationship. He can always make me laugh, even if i'm in the middle of telling him he never answers his phone and that 'i can't do this long-distance anymore'. One silly joke or ridiculous analogy and my feminazi facade is cracked.
*He never gives up. Ever ever ever. His endurance and tolerance is mind boggling to me. But it keeps us together.
*His flexibility and open-mindedness. I change my mind. A lot. We may have grandiose plans for the day, but then I might want to just sit on the beach instead. He is chill and goes with the flow, as long as its reasonable. And to be honest- i think he likes the excitement of the spontaneity. :)
*He gently pushes me out of my comfort zone. He encourages me to do things and think ways that my diva personality initially rejects i.e. riding the bus or shopping at discount stores. He even gets me to come to terms with being vulnerable, with being imperfect. Only he could do that.
*He isn't too sensitive, and expects me to be the same. He can give me a taste of my own medicine- in a good way. For instance, I freak out when he doesn't answer his phone and leave voicemails telling him he is NEVER available when I need him. So what did he do the one time I didn't answer? left me the same voicemail in his pretend-stern voice. I was laughing so hard.
*His incredible amount of security and self esteem. I've never met a more secure man in my life. Notice I said self-esteem, not ego-esteem. He is secure enough that he doesn't have to tell the world about it. It's a quiet confidence. For instance, because we are so different, sometimes I forget that's why i love him and I will criticize it. I will tell him he is gross for wearing band t-shirts and being a typical male. He laughs and tells me that I am in love with a gross gross man. I then start laughing. He loves who/how he is, and so do I. He knows that in reality, I would never want to change it, but sometimes I forget that and he reminds me. He also is not intimidated by me like lots of other guys. He knows I go on my independent woman rampages, and he just lets me do so because I soon realize how much I really need him and jump off that high horse. It's like he knows that I will always always come back to him. I just can't, not.
*His temper control. Phenomenal. Self control in general. Blows me away. He never raises his voice. He never makes crazy irrational decisions. He never gets furious with me. Just wow.
*His capacity to love. Endless. And it's not restricted- I don't think there is anybody that he hates. The bums down the street know his name because he literally loves everyone and treats them equally.
So there ya go. These, among many others, are reasons why i love my man. And you may have noticed that all these different aspects of why i love him are various Christ-like attributes. I feel so blessed to have such an incredible guy to call my own, and freaking can't wait til he moves here in June! haha
Love you, baby.
xoxo miss jer bree
*We make-up more often than we fight.
*We never go to bed mad.
*He can keep up with me. I have never found a guy that can do this. But not only can he keep up with me. He has taken the time to learn... well, me. My ways, my quirks, my strengths, my weaknesses, my insecurities, my habits. And he has learned how to work with them- insomuch that he can now end a 'Jerica-freak out irrational break-up attempt' within a record speed of 5 minutes. I still don't know how he does it, but he does it. He has a calming effect over me that is only comparable to that of my mom and my bff's. That, my friends, is impressive.
*His patience and forgiveness. I am not exactly a relational person when it comes to guys. My internal working model is extremely messed up, and this whole relationship thing has been a rollercoaster of me trying to figure out how it is done. I have made many mistakes along the way, but he has stuck with me thru it. He is the only man that has cared enough to take the time and accept the risks of entering a long-term relationship with me. I have the hardest time being vulnerable, trusting men, and committing, but he was willing to take a chance on me.
*He knows what I want, but then he knows what I really want. And he focuses on the latter, even when it conflicts with the first.
*He doesn't hold grudges. Ever.
*His optimism. Blows me away.
*He accepts me. In all my craziness, and even thru stability (which is sometimes harder because it is more rare) haha.
*We change together. Sometimes I decide that I don't want to be a diva, I want to act homeless. And sometimes he decides he doesn't want to be a lawyer, he wants to be a therapist instead. But we both embrace each other and our curve-ball changes.
*He 'gets' me.
*I can tell him anything. I don't think he could judge someone if he tried.
*He reminds me not to be too hard on myself. If I had to pick somebody else to be 'me', it would be him.
*He is a man of his word. He is honest and trustworthy- and talk about work ethic.
*He is willing to compromise. I could never be with a stubborn man. And the more he compromises for me, the more I desire to compromise for him.
*His humility. Many many times, he is the first to apologize. Even when he has done nothing wrong. And he is willing to work on things and change for the better, which helps me to do the same.
*His selflessness. Even when he has needs, he puts them aside to focus on mine (even when they are much less important than his). i.e. losing sleep to listen to me vent about my nail polish.
*He knows when to say no to me. He can deliver the most loving, yet assertive messages. It amazes me, and keeps me from getting defensive.
*His sense of humor. Key in our relationship. He can always make me laugh, even if i'm in the middle of telling him he never answers his phone and that 'i can't do this long-distance anymore'. One silly joke or ridiculous analogy and my feminazi facade is cracked.
*He never gives up. Ever ever ever. His endurance and tolerance is mind boggling to me. But it keeps us together.
*His flexibility and open-mindedness. I change my mind. A lot. We may have grandiose plans for the day, but then I might want to just sit on the beach instead. He is chill and goes with the flow, as long as its reasonable. And to be honest- i think he likes the excitement of the spontaneity. :)
*He gently pushes me out of my comfort zone. He encourages me to do things and think ways that my diva personality initially rejects i.e. riding the bus or shopping at discount stores. He even gets me to come to terms with being vulnerable, with being imperfect. Only he could do that.
*He isn't too sensitive, and expects me to be the same. He can give me a taste of my own medicine- in a good way. For instance, I freak out when he doesn't answer his phone and leave voicemails telling him he is NEVER available when I need him. So what did he do the one time I didn't answer? left me the same voicemail in his pretend-stern voice. I was laughing so hard.
*His incredible amount of security and self esteem. I've never met a more secure man in my life. Notice I said self-esteem, not ego-esteem. He is secure enough that he doesn't have to tell the world about it. It's a quiet confidence. For instance, because we are so different, sometimes I forget that's why i love him and I will criticize it. I will tell him he is gross for wearing band t-shirts and being a typical male. He laughs and tells me that I am in love with a gross gross man. I then start laughing. He loves who/how he is, and so do I. He knows that in reality, I would never want to change it, but sometimes I forget that and he reminds me. He also is not intimidated by me like lots of other guys. He knows I go on my independent woman rampages, and he just lets me do so because I soon realize how much I really need him and jump off that high horse. It's like he knows that I will always always come back to him. I just can't, not.
*His temper control. Phenomenal. Self control in general. Blows me away. He never raises his voice. He never makes crazy irrational decisions. He never gets furious with me. Just wow.
*His capacity to love. Endless. And it's not restricted- I don't think there is anybody that he hates. The bums down the street know his name because he literally loves everyone and treats them equally.
So there ya go. These, among many others, are reasons why i love my man. And you may have noticed that all these different aspects of why i love him are various Christ-like attributes. I feel so blessed to have such an incredible guy to call my own, and freaking can't wait til he moves here in June! haha
Love you, baby.
xoxo miss jer bree
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
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