Bye Summer... Hope ya find your dad.

Well apparently Summer is over, but it never really came for me.  I guess such is life when you're an adult.  Don't get me wrong, there were moments when it totally felt like Summer, but these were few and far between. Here are a few of them: late night star gazing, twilight concert series, arts festival, evening walks, and a few trips to the pool.  But, the bulk of my Summer has been spent... figuring out how to have a relationship (which is more of a journey than a destination), finding a job and working lots, lamenting the move from Malibu, attempting to rediscover my passion in life and set worthy goals to give me a sense of direction, trying to figure out how the heck Independent Study classes work so I can actually get my degree, and moving everything I own out of my parents house.   Fun, right? haha I mean i can't really complain- having Hayes here is such a huge blessing.  But, I will always say that every blessing comes with its set of curses.  Allow me to elaborate.

I've never had a "real" relationship.  Allow me to elaborate and avoid any offense I may have just caused- I have never had a relationship that has had an actual, proximal chance of ending in... ya know... the "M" word.  I mean anything before college was... before college. And everything in college was... in college lol. But now shiz got real. And i'm as unprepared as ever. Let's look at some factors that i believe contribute to this unpreparedness...

First, I was raised by a single mom.  She had her house the way she wanted it and we ate what she wanted when she wanted to make it listening to her music having everything look the way she preferred.
Second, I was an only child. I didn't share a crumb. I had my own room, my own mom, my own toys and tapes and everything else I owned- all mine.
Third, as previously mentioned, I've never had a "real" relationship (by my definition of it having actual/proximal chance for "M").  If things went wrong in my old relationships, it wasn't too big of a deal.  Either because I was young and self-consumed anyway, or I was old and still, self-consumed.  Not in a selfish way, but in a- 'You may be gone tomorrow, i'm too young for the 'm' word, and my school matters most' way. Well then I graduated.... #gamechanger.

And, against my initial will, I am in a relationship. Oh, you didn't know that? Yeah... I wasn't the biggest fan of commitment. At all. Ever. I mean maybe to a certain degree... but once you commit to someone you're in it, and if you screw something up, it no longer just effects you. Not to mention- you are paying the price for all their bad decisions as well (this ends happy, i promise).  So anyway, I didn't want to deal with that my senior year of college. I was young and wild and free, and didn't want the pressure of a real relationship. But, a certain young man just thought I might be worth it... and he challenged me to take the plunge into commitment (after I had already severed it between us once before).  Wow- what a crazy dude! I had showed my inability to be in a real relationship once by destroying his heart and contributing to one of his biggest life trials, but yet he wanted to give it another try. Initially, I said no. (why am i telling you this story? ...oh well).  But after I hung up the phone and talked to Britt roommie who asked me to wake up and smell the roses... I realized that this was my big chance to change my ways and start going down the path that I saw myself on in 10 years.  And, although it scared my damaged heart to death, i took the leap and let myself be truly vulnerable for the first time.
It was scary, but we made it work. It was hard, and the distance didn't help. Or did it? God only knows. He's running this show anyway. But we pushed through and Hayes finally moved here. And boy was that a challenge and a half.  I've never had so many emotions surge thru my body in such little time. I loved him one day then hated him the next- and I'm not exactly one to hide how i'm feeling (unfortunately or fortunately). There were a few other stress factors playing a part at this time, but all around it was just a wreck.  Me trying to harmonize my independent, crazy free soul with my love and dedication to him- yikes. I ended up falling to one extreme or the other, but thankfully after about a month or so, reconciliation began (which again, is a journey- not a destination). And so things got better and now we are just crazy in love and never argue a single breath. jk. I would hate that. Because either we'd both given up or the passion is dead- either of which lead to a bummer relationship.

Anyway... back to my numbered list of reasons I am no good in relationships (single mom, only child). As silly as it sounds, it is so hard for me to learn how to share.  How to share time, attention, interests, families, friends, food, tv channels, radio stations... oh radio stations.  That has honestly been the root of more fights than anything else I know (although I am convinced it is solely because of the type and shadow it represents).
I don't like listening to his music. I just don't like it. So why would I? I don't like hanging out with His friends, so why would I? I don't like eating his type of food, so why would I?
I'll tell you why... because life is so much more enjoyable when I have him by my side.  And I will do anything to keep him there. So I guess I'll set my last preset to 80's rock, and i actually really like his friends, mexican food isn't so bad, and another episode of Pawn Stars couldn't hurt.

And here is the ironic thing... ask me why i love him? Okay, i'll tell you. Because he's everything i'm Not. He is the exact opposite of me... in personality, style, interests, preferences, perspectives etc.  Yet I get mad when we do too much of 'his' stuff.  The stuff that makes him who he is... the man i love so much.  So... i have tried to embrace the differences and appreciate the opposite-ness (God bless our children).

Well... now that that's been said lol. I really don't have any other updates.
 Dance started back up! Oh what a blessing that has been in my life throughout the years. That is my safe haven... my happy place.  I don't know what I would do without my dancers- they mean the world to me.  I can't wait for this year- it is going to be amazing.
I am also applying to grad school. So yeah there ya have it.

xoxo miss jer bree