Bye Summer... Hope ya find your dad.

Well apparently Summer is over, but it never really came for me.  I guess such is life when you're an adult.  Don't get me wrong, there were moments when it totally felt like Summer, but these were few and far between. Here are a few of them: late night star gazing, twilight concert series, arts festival, evening walks, and a few trips to the pool.  But, the bulk of my Summer has been spent... figuring out how to have a relationship (which is more of a journey than a destination), finding a job and working lots, lamenting the move from Malibu, attempting to rediscover my passion in life and set worthy goals to give me a sense of direction, trying to figure out how the heck Independent Study classes work so I can actually get my degree, and moving everything I own out of my parents house.   Fun, right? haha I mean i can't really complain- having Hayes here is such a huge blessing.  But, I will always say that every blessing comes with its set of curses.  Allow me to elaborate.

I've never had a "real" relationship.  Allow me to elaborate and avoid any offense I may have just caused- I have never had a relationship that has had an actual, proximal chance of ending in... ya know... the "M" word.  I mean anything before college was... before college. And everything in college was... in college lol. But now shiz got real. And i'm as unprepared as ever. Let's look at some factors that i believe contribute to this unpreparedness...

First, I was raised by a single mom.  She had her house the way she wanted it and we ate what she wanted when she wanted to make it listening to her music having everything look the way she preferred.
Second, I was an only child. I didn't share a crumb. I had my own room, my own mom, my own toys and tapes and everything else I owned- all mine.
Third, as previously mentioned, I've never had a "real" relationship (by my definition of it having actual/proximal chance for "M").  If things went wrong in my old relationships, it wasn't too big of a deal.  Either because I was young and self-consumed anyway, or I was old and still, self-consumed.  Not in a selfish way, but in a- 'You may be gone tomorrow, i'm too young for the 'm' word, and my school matters most' way. Well then I graduated.... #gamechanger.

And, against my initial will, I am in a relationship. Oh, you didn't know that? Yeah... I wasn't the biggest fan of commitment. At all. Ever. I mean maybe to a certain degree... but once you commit to someone you're in it, and if you screw something up, it no longer just effects you. Not to mention- you are paying the price for all their bad decisions as well (this ends happy, i promise).  So anyway, I didn't want to deal with that my senior year of college. I was young and wild and free, and didn't want the pressure of a real relationship. But, a certain young man just thought I might be worth it... and he challenged me to take the plunge into commitment (after I had already severed it between us once before).  Wow- what a crazy dude! I had showed my inability to be in a real relationship once by destroying his heart and contributing to one of his biggest life trials, but yet he wanted to give it another try. Initially, I said no. (why am i telling you this story? ...oh well).  But after I hung up the phone and talked to Britt roommie who asked me to wake up and smell the roses... I realized that this was my big chance to change my ways and start going down the path that I saw myself on in 10 years.  And, although it scared my damaged heart to death, i took the leap and let myself be truly vulnerable for the first time.
It was scary, but we made it work. It was hard, and the distance didn't help. Or did it? God only knows. He's running this show anyway. But we pushed through and Hayes finally moved here. And boy was that a challenge and a half.  I've never had so many emotions surge thru my body in such little time. I loved him one day then hated him the next- and I'm not exactly one to hide how i'm feeling (unfortunately or fortunately). There were a few other stress factors playing a part at this time, but all around it was just a wreck.  Me trying to harmonize my independent, crazy free soul with my love and dedication to him- yikes. I ended up falling to one extreme or the other, but thankfully after about a month or so, reconciliation began (which again, is a journey- not a destination). And so things got better and now we are just crazy in love and never argue a single breath. jk. I would hate that. Because either we'd both given up or the passion is dead- either of which lead to a bummer relationship.

Anyway... back to my numbered list of reasons I am no good in relationships (single mom, only child). As silly as it sounds, it is so hard for me to learn how to share.  How to share time, attention, interests, families, friends, food, tv channels, radio stations... oh radio stations.  That has honestly been the root of more fights than anything else I know (although I am convinced it is solely because of the type and shadow it represents).
I don't like listening to his music. I just don't like it. So why would I? I don't like hanging out with His friends, so why would I? I don't like eating his type of food, so why would I?
I'll tell you why... because life is so much more enjoyable when I have him by my side.  And I will do anything to keep him there. So I guess I'll set my last preset to 80's rock, and i actually really like his friends, mexican food isn't so bad, and another episode of Pawn Stars couldn't hurt.

And here is the ironic thing... ask me why i love him? Okay, i'll tell you. Because he's everything i'm Not. He is the exact opposite of me... in personality, style, interests, preferences, perspectives etc.  Yet I get mad when we do too much of 'his' stuff.  The stuff that makes him who he is... the man i love so much.  So... i have tried to embrace the differences and appreciate the opposite-ness (God bless our children).

Well... now that that's been said lol. I really don't have any other updates.
 Dance started back up! Oh what a blessing that has been in my life throughout the years. That is my safe haven... my happy place.  I don't know what I would do without my dancers- they mean the world to me.  I can't wait for this year- it is going to be amazing.
I am also applying to grad school. So yeah there ya have it.

xoxo miss jer bree 

What he Doesn't do.

A lot of girls love their men because of all the great things they do... but i love mine for the many things he Doesn't do...

*He doesn't yell at me. He doesn't lose his patience or temper with me. Ever.
*He doesn't give up on me, no matter how many times i push him to, because times get tough. He refuses.
*He doesn't become complacent. I hear about relationships growing dull and monotonous, but not so with him.  He still acts like it's our first day together and gives me just as many kisses and compliments.
*He doesn't need to be told more than once. If i ever express a need, it is fulfilled.
*He doesn't change who he is. He stays true to his personality despite what the world and others pressure him to do.
*He doesn't get sick of me.
*He doesn't let me get away with everything.
*He doesn't sweat the small things.
*He doesn't have to get his way to be happy.
*He doesn't let me go un-held.
*He doesn't stay mad or hold grudges.
*He doesn't just watch me cry, he embraces me and wipes the tears even if it's mid- fight, or worse, mid-movie lol.
*He doesn't judge me. Ever. For anything. (and trust me- there is plenty to judge)
*He doesn't have double standards.
*He doesn't look at other girls.
*He doesn't disrespect his family.
*He doesn't dwell on the negative.
*He doesn't care what other people think.
*He doesn't mind losing a night (or fifty) of sleep for me... 
*He doesn't try to change me.
*He doesn't act impulsively or get irrational.
*He doesn't spend his money frivolously.
*He doesn't do the gossip thing. Or the drama.
*He doesn't mind working hard.
*He doesn't get to obsessed or consumed with things.
*He doesn't leave service unserved.
*He doesn't use guilt on people.
*He doesn't let others dictate his life.
*He doesn't ever stop loving me.

xoxo miss jer bree




  

Post grad life- is there one??

I have an interview tomorrow morning and i've already taken my sleep pills... so it seems like pretty appropriate timing to blog haha.

So hey. I graduated. Well kinda. I walked in graduation ceremonies, but I haven't actually received the degree. I have a few small independent study classes to brush out of the way, and then they will give me that gosh forsaken piece of paper.

I moved home. That has been a joke and a half. Just kidding. Kinda. My mom is fantastic, and so is the stepdad, but parents are still parents and if you live at home... well. You live at home.

Can someone just please tell me where this yellow brick road is? I've been looking for it and asking all the tin-lookin men, but can't seem to find it. I thought that after graduation, I would be carried away by a sparkling blurb, strong enough to hold my weight and whisk me away into pretty-looking nothingness as i gently wave my glittering wand at the lovely looking midgets below me, squeaking my beautiful name in highest admiration. ummm what? didn't happen. not even close. (i'm sick of pushing shift, so let us just cope with the lower case for now). 

My life up to this point has been a marathon. I've passed people, and people have passed me. I've helped others, and others have lifted me. I've learned and grown and struggled along the way, but I just kept pushing. And finally, in April, I reached the finish line. But then what? I collapsed and drank some water and looked around to see people expecting me to stand back up, and walk away. But toward what? Nobody told me that there was life after the finish line. I never even thought about it, as silly as it sounds.  I just assumed i would be married (the boyfriend and i are not rushing into that anytime soon) or have a job lined up (and magically appear off the magnificent job tree that everyone Doesn't talk about).  But instead- i entered a great state of what we will call 'lost'- for lack of a deeper term. 

I couldn't find a job. Anywhere. I was out of school. Living with my parents. And that wasn't going so hott. My mom and i love like sisters, and fight like them as well. One day i was being a total beezy and i overheard her tell my stepdad that 'if she is so unhappy here then maybe she should just move out to Malibu and be with her boyfriend'...

Jumped on a plane the next day.

Malibu was good. But it didn't deem me any less 'lost'. It was nice to run away for a month or so, but I knew about the nothingness that awaited me at home, and nothing stressed me out more! Nonetheless, it waited for me. Oh so patiently. And I came home to it...

Hayes (boyfriend) moved here a week ago. Yeah- let's change the subject and talk about that. It was an interesting change. We talked about it with our therapist before we left Cali, but it still proved rocky at first.  You have to understand that the only thing i knew in our relationship was the long distance dynamic. When we were together, we were inseparable. And when we were apart, we were untouchable (like i literally could not touch him. 2 states away). That's all I had known. So now you try and guess what happened when he moved here. I had a few theories, one of which played out.

I clung. I clung to him for dear life since the second he stepped foot in the state. I spent every waking second with him.  For days. He tried to get me to go home (for the mere reason of my mother threatening me with my life and me not having changed clothes or showered for days), but i freaked. I panicked, and he held me for yet another night. It was so unhealthy. And all this together time, discombobulated, high stress situation provided for many angry words. My emotions were on crack- holy hot mess. So finally, I found the courage to choose to leave him, and trust that he would be there in the morning. It was one of the hardest things i've done. don't judge me. I was convinced he'd be gone come sunrise. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't sleep. Attachment issues, much? I don't know if its from my dad, or just the nature of Hayes' and I relationship, but it was bad.

But guess what... after that one rough night, it was fine. I was fine, he was fine. We were fine. And we've been in pure bliss ever since. It is just the coolest thing to have a boyfriend. Here. In the flesh. If i need a hug its like "ring ring oh hey boyfriend i'm at your house so can you come give me a hug". So great. No more skype. Wait- what? NO MORE SKYPEEE!!! wow. wohowww. sleepy pills are setting in.

Anyway. I gotta end this quick or i'll be misusing 'your' all over the place. I still feel a little lost. But I got a job or two, have another interview tomorrow, have an amazing wonderful boyfriend that loves me, live at home for free, and really need to get my butt in gear with these IS classes. I will have them finished by August. At which point I want to do hair school at Gemini Salon. Then go to grad school and get my LCSW. Yeah mmmk so we will go with that for now. And i've gotten fat. So that's nice. Well sweet dreeeeeaaammsss i'm sleepy out!

xxoo miss jer bree

Distance makes the heart grow fonder... kinda...

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..." 

It's 4am and I just got off of the phone with him.  I had another panic and, as always, he was there to answer the call- even if it was in the middle of the night and he's needing his sleep because he's been sick all week.

This is my life. Welcome. haha. I am always posting about "5 more days til Malibu!" or "I can't wait to see my boy again!" But what I don't post is the long months in between some visits where we are both working our tails off to earn enough money to buy a single plane ticket. That's what we live and work for right now- plane tickets. But people don't see that. They see the cute beach pictures and the fun times, but they don't see the long nights of tears and loneliness in between.

I know this is weird to think about and hard to believe, but I have never lived in the same state as my boyfriend and we have been together for almost a year now, minus a few months in between.  We did spend 3 weeks together once, and that was just amazing. People think I'm crazy for spending all my money on plane tickets (i agree), but when you're in love, there is no other choice. I live my life by 2 sayings: "follow your heart" and "no regrets", and it has worked out pretty well for me.  Life is too short to Not spend it with the one you love.

People also wonder how we do it. Well- we both work. A lot. Last semester I carried 2 jobs while going to school full time, sometimes 3. And he works 40+ hours a week to make sure that if I ever have an 'episode', we can afford to get a ticket.  It is rough. It is very rough. It has been the cause of many emotional meltdowns for me, and he has been there for every single one. I literally tell him on a daily basis how much i 'hate this', but even after hearing that for hundreds of days in a row, he still gives the validation and sympathy i need, (as if it's not hard for him, too). I don't exactly have the personality type for a long distance relationship. At all.  My love language is physical touch- that right there is the first problem.  I am also a very in-the-moment present-time person. Another restraint. But like the quote says, I know that he is my one and only and so we make it work.

And can i please tell you how amazing he is? Honestly- it takes a saint to put up with what he has had to handle, and I don't think he gets enough credit. This long distance thing really takes a toll. He is just grateful to have me, and our nightly chats are good enough for him, but I require much much more.  And sometimes, it gets to be far too much to handle for me.  Being in love and finding your other half, yet sitting home alone on weekends and going to church by yourself and movies with the gals, only to come home and skype him- torture. It's like 'oh! here is your soulmate- but you can only have him in a computer screen and every few weekends in person, but other than that you have to know you're in a relationship while living in a single girl lifestyle.' ....not ideal. And it causes a lot of stress and strain on me, that then enters the relationship and causes fights or arguments because, although the situation is the root of the problem, i incessantly take it out on him. And he takes it. Like a champ. Like a boss.

Lots of nights I have my 'episodes' and I freak out and I don't know what to do so I jump to the most obvious, yet ineffective solution- a break up. Then five minutes go by (if not less) and i realize that my solution has nothing to do with the problem at hand, and only makes it worse, so i call him back in tears and beg him to take me back. And, like the wonderful man he is, he does. But unfortunately, a few hours go by, and I forget what I had just learned.
It used to be bad. I used to have 'freak outs' or 'break ups' on a daily basis. It is hard for me and I struggled with it for a long time, but thanks to weeks of therapy, nightly scriptures with him, lots of prayer, and the most patient, selfless, forgiving loving man in the world- we're down to once a week! haha. I wish I was joking, and I know this sounds absurd. But just try to put yourself in my shoes. I am torn, I really am. I have dissonance lots of times and as demonstrative as it sounds- i crave harmony. And even tho my go-to 'solution' never gives me this harmony, it always looks like it will. He's adopted the third eye blind motto of 'i'm not listening when you say goodbye'. haha.

So this is my trial. One year, two states away. I can't go over to his house and hang out. I can't call him up when I need someone to go to a concert with. I can't ask him to come over because i just need a hug. All i can do is get on that dang computer and let him talk me out of my crazy ways while i sob continually and give the webcam random kisses.  Yes- we are one of those. He'll even hug his laptop to give me the vicarious feeling i'm being held. Pathetic? maybe. But all judgment aside- it works. And right now we've just got to do what we can to get thru this time apart.
I can't decide if it has gotten harder or easier with time.  I say easier because we (I- he has always been good at it) have gotten better at it, but harder because each day we grow closer yet the distance remains. And until one of us can afford a plane ticket- there it stays.

Now, i know i am blessed. I really am. Many are away from their loved ones that are on missions or in the armed forces- but I could honestly never do that, so I would never put myself in that situation. My heart really goes out to those that have lost their significant others to death- that I cannot even fathom. I am blessed. To have found my other half- a Godsend in itself. And to be able to fly to Malibu every so often- talk about paradise. But we would both trade that paradise in a heartbeat to be together- and that is what we'll do.

26 more days! 26 26 26!!! 26 days until he moves here. I cannot express to you my joy. I am beyond excited to start my life with him. To just 'hang out' with him, not on a quick weekend trip or over a laptop screen but in real life, on a day-to-day basis. That's what we always say- "i can't wait to hang out with you!" Because honestly- it is the simple things like that that we look forward to. I'm convinced that our fighting will cease- for the distance is all we fight about anyway-kinda lol. (But let's be honest- i'm sure we'll find something new to argue so we can still have make-up make-outs) haha. tmi??

Anyway. I just thought I might share the other side to this love story that nobody gets to see.  The long, tear-filled nights like this one. Where I lie awake craving for his touch- his hand on my face, his sweet lips on my cheek, anything. I just want to hold his hand- to give him a hug. I would give anything. But this is my trial and so I will try to endure it well and look at the 26-day light at the end of the tunnel. I will count my blessings and focus on the good.  He gets paid tomorrow- and luckily, if its a sufficient amount, I will get to see him in ten days! It has almost been a month and i'm dyyying haha. But in the end, he makes it worth every impatient breath and lonely tear. After all- he is my better half. ;)

xoxo miss jer bree