TO DANCE!
But I'm not little anymore. I'm older, and having to deal with the reality of life. It sucks haha. But it is wonderful at the same time. So if you know me, you know what a ridiculous journey it was trying to select a major. I went thru everything from Special Education to Advertising to Music Dance Theater, and finally found Psychology which i LOVE. And then i tacked on a dance minor, but there's a few problems with this. Besides the fact that I would really like to do a communications as well as a family life minor, Byu's dance program is very... old school. They offer three minors: ballroom, modern (recently changed to 'contemporary') and folk. Ballroom would be great, but i like to do that just for fun. Folk- Absolutely not. Contemporary is what i was leaning towards, but the program is still suuuper modern. Yikes! And not to mention its like one of the longest minors at byu. Plus! What could I do with it? I love dance, but i'm not sure I want to be teaching it for the rest of my life. I've seen my mom do it, and it is extremely taxing for a very low benefit. And sometimes i wonder if i'm still trying to prove myself. After my back surgery, i promised myself i would get back into dance. i did, i even made the drill team, but maybe i am still trying to fulfill this promise to myself. Dance is much more difficult with my back and sometimes depressing to realize my lack of motion range (which nobody notices but me). Why can't i just be kind to myself and give it up. I've proven myself, and that i could become a dancer even after two rods. I think i just didn't want to let that surgery change my dreams. I was set on dance pre-surgery, and i was determined to be set on it post-surgery. Although, is there anything wrong with changing your dreams? But it Is what i love, and have always known and loved. I am afraid to give it up, afraid to lose all my flexibility and dance training. Then what will i have? It makes me sick to my stomach. Granted- i can dance even if i Don't have a minor in it. But where? I've been out of the scene too long to do any local studios. The only one i would go to is Janet Gray. But thats in Salt Lake, I'll be living in Provo. All those years of training and money and giving my all, and what do i have to show for it? This is like getting your first wrinkle or gray hair- i want to fight it so bad. But am I robbing myself of greater things by holding onto it? Could I ever love something as much as i love dance? Or do i even need to? What if i don't have to replace it. What if i kept it where it was and just explored other areas of interest. Would that be okay? Its just that the dance world- its been my whole life. Because my mom is a dancer, I was raised at early morning rehearsals and backstage at competitions. She is HUGE in the dance world, maybe i feel like letting go of dance would be letting go of the life i've known with my mom aka my whole family. Do i feel like i haven't gone far enough in the dance world? I can't imagine living without the word 'dancer' implied with my name.Thats scary.
But what if its time to let go? And i'm preventing the Lord from giving me something Great because i'm not willing to give up what i have that is Good. I just don't know...
But i am currently facing more decisions than that- the one that actually brought on the above described anxieties.
My job.
I love it. I love it for the people. I love it for the fact that i'm the go-to gal because i've been here the longest of all the students. I love that i know the trade, and i'm good at what i do. I love that i have so much experience. I love the ridiculously flexible hours. I love the people i work for and with. I love the atmosphere. I love everything about it so much, except the job itself. Its insurance- do i look/sound like the kind of person that does insurance? I love the secretary aspects of it, but i am not terribly interested in insurance. It is definitely not in my prospective range of interests for future careers. But i'm getting to the point where i feel likes its time to start pursuing those interests and working within my field. So i browsed online... and i found a great opportunity as a Creative Director on campus. (Don't even think about applying! haha). Do i feel guilty even entertaining the thought of leaving so many that rely on me at work? yeah. But, this is right up my alley of interest- i'm as creative as they come! Plus i have plenty of secretary skills built up. And so i think i'll apply. But then i got that stomach clench, the nervous type that asks me if i can really leave risk management and move on. I have it soooo good here! But i gotta leave sometime. Change makes me nervous. Leaving something i've known gives me anxiety. New things cause me stress. Taking risks makes me sick. But am I robbing myself of life and all its joys? Perhaps. Which this may surprise some, because I spent a whole year trying new things, and i am often the bold and fearless type. But that is another side of me. If i know i don't really have anything life-changing to lose- i'm there! But when there is a possibility that the grass won't be greener on the other side, I seriously hesitate. But there is always that possibility and always will be, how will i ever know if i never try? Some things to think about i suppose. Yes, i have commitment issues. I guess i've got some praying to do.
i've had similar dilemmas. i still do from time to time. there's so many directions in which we are pulled, and we're at that age where people typically say, "if you're going to do such and such, you've gotta do it now." what i think people miss is the fact that not everyone has to do one thing with their life. we don't have to have ONE passion. i love music probably more than anything, but i also love my major and i am passionate about helping people work through their marital and familial issues.
ReplyDeletemy minor is music, and it fuses well in a therapy setting, but i understand when you say your emphases don't gel well together. if you love dance and you don't feel like your attention is meant to go somewhere else, i don't see why you shouldn't do what you love (meaning keeping it as a minor). it's fun, it destresses you, you learn more about the craft, and you will use what you learn at some point in your life -- the very least being with your own children.
we have a ton of things to accomplish in our lifetimes. i love music, but i'm not pursuing a music career for a while. i still create music and take voice lessons, but while i dream of performing for big crowds one day, i feel i need to go on a mission and complete school. the time will come when i will feel prompted to get the ball really rolling for that aspect of my life. it doesn't bother me. my preparation is not going to waste. it's happening little by little, but it's enhancing my life. if dance brings you joy, the years you have spent developing your talent has NOT been for naught.
also, i thought about joining the folk dance team more than once, missy :P
ahhh you always know what to say. you're totally right! I have to figure out whats really going to make me happy. I read an awesome quote the other day: Your life's work can be found where God's plan intersects with your passion.
ReplyDeleteSista Jones- its time we start living out our dreams. Whether it be a mission or a new job or dancing turnt up- we are in the prime of our lives and need to live it up! i love you girl we are gonna have a fun summer!!!